Given the chance, I would fall in love with him
Another day, another death. Life is on the continous treadmill. Maybe today I will stop feeling the pain of loss. Maybe tomorrow someone will dance on my grave and be happy instead of sad. Dance the night away beneath the bare trees and the snow sky. And the conversation always turns to Russ.
Yah so the weekend stuff has basically stretched into the week and my life the past few days has been a blur since I got back from Montreal. I’m at work now so don’t expect any of this to make sense. Yesterday was just a bad day and I’m not completely sure why, but I went to Heather’s and played with puppies. God I miss my sister. Then Mommy and I watched a movie at home and did a lot of nothing and I passed out on my bed. Too much time for thinking is just a bad thing.
Its so weird how being with Manny first makes me really miss Tim. That was Tues night. We watched Gilmore Girls and then walked around the block talking. Then Heather called right as we got back (perfect timing my sister!) and Manny and I ended up cuddling on the couch, during and after the phone call. I felt safe and loved, but at the same time there was this huge hole growing in my chest that just hurt so unbelievable much. I missed Tim incredibly. And then Daddy came home and Manny left. I went to bed listening to Savage Garden.
When you feel all alone and the world has turned it’s back on you. Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart. I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you. It’s hard to find relief and people can be so cold. When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can’t take anymore, Let me be the one you call. If you jump I’ll break your fall. Lift you up and fly away with you into the night. If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn you’re not alone.
Tim once kissed me during that song and it became one of my memory songs with him. So I fell asleep missing Tim, but woke up pretty ok. Still missed him like what what. Whenever I think aobut him though, my thoughts stray through many random paths and usually end up on Eric. And talking to Kaba about her boy in Las Vegas, Brian usually makes me think of Eric. I had lunch today with Kaba and we talked about Brian and Eric. Thinkin about him makes me forget Tim and Manny and my feelings for him pale in comparison. But it never seems to really work out, and so there is only the pain of loneliness concerning him. And missing him. There is no hurting pain. No hearts broken. But given the chance, I would love to fall in love with him. There is always something that comes between us to stop us from trying. Tim, Manny, then distance, then anticipation of leaving, and once again distance. Though now its 2193 miles! (Not like I counted or anything.) And we don’t want to do this at a distance. It just is a bad idea all around. So we wait. And Kaba and Brian wait. And maybe someday my Prince will come. Some day we’ll meet again and away to his castle we’ll go, to be happy forever I know. Some day when spring is here, we’ll find our love anew. And the birds will sing and wedding bells will ring. Some day when my dreams come true.
God, can I be anymore of a sap!!!