Incline

I hate this feeling. Especially since there is no one who really understands except maybe Heather. This is not easy! And anyone who thinks so just doesn’t understand. This is not normal and I am not a drama queen. And there is no one to talk to. Manny has never understood it even though he tries and Brian gave up long ago. I don’t blame them, I really don’t. They’ve never been through this. But I am so tired and frustrated. I thought I had figured it out. I thought I had it beat. Yah, right.
So much pain in my head. I can’t think straight. I have to force myself to think of normal things so I don’t grab the nearest sharp object and end it all. I have to carry medication for when I get headaches. I have a new bottle. Easy enough right? And then I look at the picture of Brett in the Obits, and I imagine the pain that I could cause and I don’t want to cause it. I would never want to do that. But there is this frustration in me. I know where I am going. I thought I could live without this happening. And it happens again. I’m slipping down an incline that I’ve been down before. I was there last year and I almost didn’t make it out.
I’m afraid this time I won’t.