I’m dreading the nights…..

I cried. I cried so hard. Twice before have I felt and cried like this. Well there was lots of crying but only two other causes for this crying. 1)Matt’s death 2) Tim’s breakup. It feels like there is a hole in my chest and I can’t breaht. I want to curl up and retreat into death. I found my Konstantine song and listened to it over and over, clutching my pillow and trying to smoother my crys so my parents wouldn’t hear. But letting it all go. Its the thing I never did for Manny or myself. I never really let go. Crying helped and I can bet there will be more. Which is ok. I need to heal. I just miss him so much I can’t breathe. And everything in his email was right on target. So true. My tears were not of regret and not of useless wishing. I wouldn’t change it all for the world. It was just the pain of release. The pain is still there. And will be for a long time. I know. Been there done that. But I also know this the right thing. As long as I don’t focus on the hole in my chest, or let my mind wander, as long as I can stay focused on anything else, other people, school work, law work, anything, I’ll be fine. I’m dreading the nights though…..