Canada Rantings

This started as rantings from the Canada trip and I just kept going whenever I had some free time at school. So the continued rantings of the windmills of my mind.

I’m never going to get over this. He keeps calling me a woman. Sorry, I ain’t one. And I ain’t ready to be one. I’m still a kid. And I like it that way. I don’t want to grow up too fast. I’ve already had to grow up way too fast, I mean everything at Immanuel. Granted I was allowed to keep my innocence for quite some time. But there were issues there that even as a 5 year old I had to deal with. Jeremiah dying, all the problems in Rebecca’s family. But even in high school, I had to grow up quick. And I think I did a good job. And Manny doesn’t even know most of the crap that happened my senior year. The stuff at church he really has absolutely no clue. None whatsoever. I mean even Tim didn’t know everything. Only what I choose to tell him. And it really was only half of it. The stuff had been building for almost 2 years prior. We had tons of problems before Mike even arrived. And housekeeping certainly gained us enemies. And senior year everything finally fell through. Even though, I am happy CIA survived. At least the concept, the idea, if not our original group. The dynamics of the group were definitly one of a kind. And they were definietly forever changed and lost in basically in a few weeks. And even though no one blames me. I still hold myself partly responsible. For not saying something sooner. For not trying to do something before everything got so out of hand. And even for saying something in the first place. I mean, Deb left of her own accord, supposedly having nothing to do with what I said. But no one knows what was said in those meetings. Or at least no ones telling me. And basically no matter what happened in there, I will carry some of the blame. Self-inflicted or not, its there. And I will always carry it. And he has no idea about any of it. Its one of those things that simply explained, doesn’t do justive to the situation, nor does it explain the gravity nor the impact of it. I mean, the youth leader got out of control. And so she left, or was almost removed. But that doesn’t explain how close we all were. Or how much of a betrayal my actions were. Or how hurt everyone was. It doesn’t begin to describe anything that happened. And it makes it seem petty or unimportant, which it wasn’t. And I don’t even think I could explain everything about that. I mean its years of stuff that happened, going back to Immanuel. And its my life. And it was just not good. So I lost my church support that I had once so counted on. Even though most everything was forgived, nothing was forgotten and nothing was the same. Even a year later, we got together for the firrst time since it all went down. And it was fine. But nowhere near the same. I didn’t really expect it to be the same. But I certainly thought it would be less superficial. But afterwards, Deb and Eric and I went to Eric’s house to keep talking. And that was good. Things that needed to be said were said, and some things were even repeated, for you know, the good of the order. Its so weird how close I am to Eric. And how much I totally miss him now that he’s gone. Even though we hardly talked. I feels o horrible that he and I didn’t get one last chance to play pool. I know he’ll be home soon, but basically, not soon enough. And I wish I could get closer to him. But we already are so close and in a way that I feel too much talking would ruin it. I want to know every detail of his life. I want to know all about his school and friends and family. And I want to share my life with him. But I don’t know how. And there are parts of my life, even though I am not ashamed of them, I don’t know if Eric will like or understand. I mean, my whole involvement with ASC and Missing September. Its kind of like a different life altogether. One I really enjoy.