Kiss the Rain

This song always makes me want to cry. That or grab onto something and never let go. It makes me miss people so much. I’m sick of living like this. I’m sick of being truly happy for only a few moments or a few days before my world comes crashing down around me. I admire people like Kathleen and Brian who always seem to be happy. Ok, I know they aren’t happy all the time. I know they have problems and issues. But where as their life, or at least their outlook seems to be cheery 95% of the time, mine is gloomy 95% of the time. And worst of all, I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to get out of this hole. Maybe I should stop fighting it. But I was a happy kid. I was even a happy teenager, if thats possible. All this dark doom and gloom started when I was just finishing high school. I mean, even when all that stuff with Matt, I never was this unhappy. Ok, so I was. But I pulled out of that. It seems like its always raining or I’m always upset or confused or frustrated. And I can’t seem to get anything resolved. Everyone is moving on with their lives and moving forward. I can’t seem to. And no one really seems to get that. No one does. Not my parents cause they think I just need to grow up and get resposible or something. Manny doesn’t cause he thinks I am moving forward and he thinks…honestly I don’t know what he thinks. He thinks I can stand up to my dad, which I’ve never been able to do all my life. I feel like I’m suffocating again. Like I’m drowning and no one can hear me screaming. Everyone thinks I’m doing better. Don’t tell me I’m that good of an actress. Or maybe I am. Maybe I’ve done this for so long, I have perfected it. I’m so unhappy. I’m so frustrated with life. Nothing I seem to do is an accomplishment. Even living through today is not a victory or reward but a punishment. This pain doesn’t end. Its always there, digging a hole in my chest. One that will soon be formed on my wrist. Please tell me that I’m not going crazy. Please tell me I can be happy again. And I mean truly happy, not just a few precious moments, not just a small moment in time. Give me a life back. Give me back whatever it was that I lost somewhere back there. My life goals are really not that complex. I want to be happy. I want to live each day and go to bed satisfied, or at least content and accepting of the fact that tomorrow I will get up and live another day. And no matter what, I will be able to get up the next day and live. I can’t keep losing it like this. I keep falling apart at the seams, and trying to clutch them and keep it together, I am ripped in two, and i only have the shreds of my tattered life left. Nothing to hold on to, I slip into the dark, towards the bridge and the water which calls me to a place where I will no longer hurt…a place where I will no longer be…….