I never thought I’d die alone…

My parents are pissing me off. They told me I couldn’t go anywhere or so anything or see my friends until I had a job. I kept my end of the bargin and now they aren’t keeping theirs. I swear the only people I really go see at that hellhole are Heather, Kim and the teachers. Cause Gleich is awesome and Weinny’s not too bad. But no. I’m not allowed to go. I want to go see that dude from Les Mes. I mean what an experience. And they won’t let me! If I hadn’t gotten that job, I could see them saying no, but I did and its bullshit that they won’t let me go. I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t want to spend all day there. I just want to meet this guy and learn anything I can. Maybe toss my name around and someday be able to get him to help me get a job down in the city music business. But no. I’m not in high school, I need to move on. So I need to leave behind all my friends and never talk to them again? How the hell does that work? I feel really betrayed. I kept getting told different things to keep me from going to Ketcham. Different bullshit excuses. And it pisses me off.

And then my dad starts in about I’m too smart for this job. It’s fine for now, but I can’t be serious about doing this. What is wrong with doing this? What is wrong with working in the hotel industry? I don’t want to take four years and go through school. I just can’t see myself doing that right now. And it really makes me feel like I’m not good enough for my father. He was smarter than just a stupid butcher and yet thats what he did for 13 years. THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS!!! With no chance of promotion. At least my job has a chance at promotion. I could become a manager of a hotel someday! He was stuck in the same dead end job for years. And then he changed his mind. Why the hell can’t I do that? He turned out fine. “This is a fine job for now, but in September you need to decide where you want to go and what you really want to do.” I swear I feel like he doesn’t want to take me seriously. He was so happy for me that I got this job. But then he rains on it with his stupid “You’ll never go far with just a high school diploma.” Oh it makes me mad and it hurts. And will I ever be good enough for them? No. The plain and simple answer is no. I will never be able to do enough or go far enough to make them happy. “You played in Carneige, oh thats great! Why aren’t you playing in Rome and Venice and Germany?” And they wonder why I have no more confidence. I can’t go to the place where I can really shine. As a friend to someone who really needs me and where I can really help or to a group that can really let me shine. Arg! I’m so frustrated!