….Manny and lack of sleep

Where was I??? Monday night. Manny immmed me. I’m not in the mood. I need way more space than he wants to give I sometimes think. I don’t know, not gonna analyze the situation too much right now. Not worth the effort. Ok, so we were talking, or rather he was talking and I was being unresponsive and ehh. And Danny came on and was like whats wrong, blah blah blah and I know they were talking. Well I just got fed up with the whole ordeal, so I said bye and signed off. Literally and rather right in their faces. Ok, yah that might have been mean, but I did say bye. I remembered something I wanted to tell Rach, danny’s sister so i came back and gave him the message then left again, not after a im from Manny. So I had been thinking a lot the past few days, and yes I know that can be very dangerous. I came to the conclusion that I really still do love Tim. And honestly, if I thought I could have him back, I would try. Ok really? I am kinda still in denial about the whole thing with him. I can’t believe that he never loved me. He told me over an im which wasn’t the best place. I couldn’t hear his voice, but whatever. I need real closure with him. I need to see his face and his eyes and really see that he doesn’t care about me. And I do love Manny. Really I do. He and I have been through so much together and he is such a big part of my life, but right now I need to end with Tim and I’m still not completely. And I know hes ok with all that. But I don’t think its fair. I still dream about Tim and wish for a life with him. I need that to end before I can be with Manny. To me it seems like I’m cheating on him or something. And I can’t deal with that feeling anymore. So basically in a nutshell. I need closure with Tim. I need to know, to see that he doesn’t want me. Until then its just not going to work. Ok – so just break up with Manny. Yah, but I can’t even be friends with him right now. Because I love him so much. Its not that I can’t be friends – its that I can’t be JUST FRIENDS. It will always be something more. And I can’t do that right now. And I don’t know how to explain that to him. Well, I tried last night and then he called and I kept trying and he was crying and I was crying. Him crying is the one thing that can change my mind, that can turn my mind around. He did it before. I can’t let it happen again. So I had to just leave. And so I promised him I would call today, but I’m really tired because I didn’t sleep last night. I was in the coffee kitchen and I just needed to get away from him. So I promised I would call today and hung up with him (no not on him). And I stalked out of the kitchen and someone asked me (there were three girls outside the kitchen, Mel Erin and someone else) if I was ok and I was like and just stalked into my bedroom. One of them said goodnight. I had immed settle earlier and he was around when I got back from talking to manny and I was just like “Its over. I broke up with him.” Thats like all I could say. And I knew I had to get out and walk off my anger and frustration, so I told him I was going out. And he was worried (with good cause) I might do something like head up to the sunroof and try to fly. So I promised I wouldn’t and he was like I’m waiting up for you to return. I told him he didn’t need to. And I put sandals and a jacket on (no socks 20 degree weather). And left. Its somewhere around 1 or 2 am and I’m wandering aimlessly around campus. I tried the FAC cause I wanted to bang on a piano, but it was locked(duh!). So ended up sitting by the chapel facing Orien and screaming and crying for a while. Then my butt was starting to go numb so I figured I should head back. And by the time I got back to the dorm, I couldn’t feel my toes. At all. I got inside and they turned purple. They hurt, but oh well. Its what I deserved for not wearing socks. I warmed up my feet, and checked to see who was on. Settle still was and his away message was “talking to my best bud….” Manny. Great. So now he can hate me too. I immed him and told him I was back and I had avoided the sunroofs. And he was still talking to Manny so I signed off and poked around the internet and did nothing for the rest of the night and thought and I still have no conclusion to what do to or say when I call Manny but I’m gonna do it soon, cause Jennies out of the room and its quiet. Russ hasn’t talked to him, so hes in the dark about it all and I ain’t tellin him. Settle is away studying, and prolly planning my death. So whatever. I went to my exam, prolly failed since I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I came back here, did the whole email and call oboe teachers thing. Called the DMV – looks like I can get my lisence back – woo-hoo. Talked to Jennie. Jennie left I went to lunch and now I’m really really tired. But Mommy wanted me to go talk to Stapert about DeYoung. I really don’t want to. I’m tired and I don’t feel like dealing with it. I called those oboe people – balls in their court now. SHe wants me to call tonight – and I think Anna wanted to go out to eat tonight. Which is cool, but it means I need to get some sleep. I guess the pancakes can wait till tomorrow or late tonight. I dunno. I gotta call Mom and Manny evetually too. ARG I HATE MY LIFE I REALLY REALLY REALLY DO!!!!!