Tired, Bitchy and In a Funky Mood

So I just did one of the hardest things ever. I told Manny I wanted to chill out for a while at least until I got home for Christmas. I don’t know if he agreed with it because he decided it really was a good idea, or because he thought I wanted it. I don’t know.

Here’s the whole story. At least the start of it. I had blocked Manny as is my way to get a night alone without him. I’ve done it before this is not the first and it probably won’t be the last. And someone told him I was online and clued him into the fact that I had probably blocked him. So he was a little worried and tried to find out why. Ok, that was sweet and maybe nice. But he started saying stuff about coming to my door, banging on it and screaming my name till I came out. Now I’m tired, bitchy and in a funky mood. He’s little statement really scared me. And I didn’t know what to say or how to deal with it. But I was scared and I wanted him to stop and go away. But his interference told me I had to talk to him. So I unblocked him and listened (watched) as he talked for 40 mins straight. I did not say a thing. And basically all he said was I love you, I care about you, I’m going to help you, We’ll get through this. And to any normal girl that sounds really nice. I am not normal and it really freaked me out – when I’m already scared. He loves me so much and cares about me so much. Its sweet. It really is. But honestly I don’t love him that much or in the way that he does. I do love him – I know that. I tested myself and I found out I really do love him and I don’t want to lose him. But he can be really suffocating sometimes. I understand he wants to help me and keep me from getting hurt. But sometimes you can’t. Things can’t always be solved or fixed. And yes, it sucks and yes its hard, but its life. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. And I don’t want to start believing that everything can be solved. Its not how I was raised or how I’ve lived. And I understand Manny loves me and wants to protect me, but there are some things he can’t protect me from. And he just needs to deal with that and let me deal with them on my own. Just literally let me cry on his shoulder, but let me carry the burden alone. It is what I do.

Ok this is really unfair, but Tim was good at that. He was able to be there for me, give me space, help me and let me do it on my own all at once. I knew he was upset when I was hurting, but he let me be. Until I was ready to come to him. And for the most part Manny is. He won’t push a problem unless I’ve told him about it first. But just because I’ve told him about it doesn’t mean he has the right to take over, storm the castle, defeat te dragon and save the princess. I can fight my way out on my own thank you very much. I am independent. Manny tries, I know he does and that makes it all the more harder. But sometimes I just need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to complain to and a SILENT MOUTH!! No words of advice, no battle plan spewing forth. I’ve learned though my long, tiring almost-19 years (ha ha) that sometimes the best thing to do for someone is just listen. Just be there and listen. No advice, no anger, just listen and sympathize. Thats not as easy as it sounds. I want people to be happy and carefree and not be hurt. And so I quietly will try to help, without taking over. I know what Manny is trying to do. He wants to help. But I swear! He’s like a big oaf, lumbering about breaking more things than he’s fixing! And that drives me nuts! Ok – so finally I got a chance to talk to him and try to sort things out. And this is a lot of things. I’m bitchy, i’m pmsing, i’m tired, i’m stressed, i’m annoyed and I just wanna go home and be done with this place. And I know thats no right to take anything out on Manny. And so I didn’t go into everything – although people do say that to see a person’s true self, get them either drunk or mad. Oh well. He wanted to just agree that we would talk only when we managed to meet online, whatever. I didn’t like that idea as much because that basically leaves us where we were. So I said let’s just take a break and not talk until I get home. No calls, no emails, no aol. He kinda agreed. Although I have a feeling it was only because he thought it was what I wanted. Which I do and I don’t and yes – i’ve decided that settle is right. Girls are confusing.

THE END (for now at least)