Human Hangers and the end of Calvin

Ok, so I made it back to calvin with no accidents. I went shopping with Kathy, Matt and Tim. It was fun. Got lots of stuff. Some nice sweaters, CDs, cd carrying case and other stuff. There was one toy that we wanted for Lauren on a high shelf. No on was around so I ended up lifting Tim up above my head so he could grab them. I did it again with a sweater we wanted. It was really fun, but now my back is killing me. I did get 100 CDs though. So I’ve been burning music off my computer like crazy. Which is good because there is more room on my computer now. And I also got Kazaa, which I swear must be the best kept secret cause I’ve never heard of it. But now that I have I am downloading music like nuts. Its cool. So its cool. I’m getting more Something Corporate, Brand New and Dashboard. Its cool. Manny and Settle are like, where are you getting this stuff!? It was cool. I can’t wait to go home.

Anyway, I had this really cool dream. I was so tired, and so I was sleeping in. My aunt came down the get something out of the fridge and Lauren was with her. I kinda woke up but not completly. It was one of those between asleep and awake moments. And I heard Kathy ask if Lauren could come snuggle with me. I said yes and she climbed into bed with me. But in my sleepy mind I heard somethig different. I was dreaming that Manny and I were married. He was getting up to go to work or something. And he put our daughter into the bed with me before he left. So I had this wonderful dream that I was married to a wonderful man and I had a baby girl. It was such a nice comforting feeling. I am waiting to make it a reality. With Manny or maybe not. But with whoever God has for me. It was so nice.

Anyway, John called the other day with a funny story about him and Kim, that he thought I would enjoy. I’m not going to repeat it because its personal and not my story. But oh did it make me laugh! And then he and I talked for about an hour. It was nice to talk to him and hear how he was doing. He said something interesting. I was talking about my classes and stuff. And then I mentioned that I did not like it here and that I couldn’t wait to leave. And he said that it sounded like I was doing ok and that I did like it here. I realized that I had built up this facade around me and what was happening here. I had taken all the good things, made them larger and added a few lies of my own. I didn’t want people to feal sorry for me. And I’ve always so looked forward to coming here. I wanted to. Its partly that I don’t want to admit I’m wrong and that I don’t belong here. Its also that I don’t want to give up. I can hear my dad saying that I shouldn’t give up so easily. OK so backtrack. This is something I haven’t really told anyone. I mean Heather knows how much I hate it here, but thats about it. I don’t tell really anyone else. I subconsciously wanted to tell Brian, because he was the one who I told about Matt before I told anyone else. But I couldn’t. He is still upset about Ellie. And I don’t want to draw him into my mess. Its just something I don’t do. I protect my friends as much as I can. And so after yet again talking to Settle and not being able to tell him what I really want to, I was upset and moody. And Manny was being Manny. He doesn’t understand that women don’t make sense. When we say yes, we mean no. When we say no, we mean yes. Unless when we say yes, we mean yes and when we say no, we mean no. I mean its not that hard to figure out is is? Well, after I talked a little to Danny, he convinced Manny to come and talk to me. And the great thing about Danny is that he didn’t tell Manny. He let me tell him, but he gave us both a push in the right direction. Anyway, after a long explanation about me hating it here and feeling like I’m drowning, he said just don’t come back. And he’s right. This place is really killing me. I’ve been lying to others about how much I like it and in doing that I’ve been lying to myself. And I need to stop doing it. I want to call my parents and tell them that I am not coming back here next semester, but I’m really scared about what they will say. And Manny is right. If they won’t let me stay home, I have other options, but I don’t know. I’m scared. Manny has this picture in his head that I will do it when I get home. But I really think I should tell them now. Which I am deathly afraid of doing. But I think its better to do it this way. If I’m leaving for good, I need to pack up all my stuff and get ready to ship it back home. My stereo, books, food, everything I wouldn’t usually be taking home if I was going to coming back. And I won’t need a return flight. And I don’t know what else. But the next step is to just tell my parents that I don’t want to come back. And that is going to be really hard. I’m afraid of what they are going to say. I’m afraid that they won’t understand. And I will go crazy if I have to return here. I really will. I would have jumped off the roof or thought more about it, if it wasn’t for Manny and Heather. He said to me once that I was his happiness. And that is what he is to me right now. He is my happiness and my sanity and my craziness and my everything almost. He really is.

Last night on the phone I was talking to my dad. My grandparents might be coming to visit for Christmas. Which is ok because I really want to see them. But that kinda throws a wrench in what I want to do with my friends and such. So ok. My dad wanted to know what I wanted to do when I was home. And I was saying going to Rhode Island, Manny wanted me over for dinner and go to movies, and i wanted to have a party and go see Dot. And I just slipped in the mention of seeing Manny. And Daddy picked up on it and was like, “He really likes you, you know?” I could tell he knew that Manny has always liked me, since we dated and everything. And so I told him that Manny and I were together. And he was Daddy and asking like what that meant and what was the next step. I guess the next step would be engagement, but that is a long way off and I told him that. Which is fine.

But I am going to get out of here. I’m not staying here any longer. I am not returning. That is just a fact.