a contradiction in terms

heat washes me over like the opening of the oven
bodies pressed so close together
body fluids mixing as we play
the crowd sways to the beat
Renassaince Man on the screen
as sixteen-year-olds pretend to be rock stars
the feeling of being old and mature
oppressing heat and heat makes faces
familiarity and protective friends who get me in
cigarettes i promised not to smoke
find a way to my hand as i force calm over me
calm can’t be forced
a tiny excited english girl is the only one happy for me
why can’t he be happy too?
somewhere in world a girl lies scared in the hospital
she’s happy for me too
damn i wish i could just tell him
why do things have to be so complicated?
i refuse to let him complicate this for me
i refuse to let him get to me tonigh
he always gets to me
the final chord of this amazing band
fighting through the crowd only to fight back
nerves that refuse to be settled
at least he told me to have fun
at least he pretended to be happy for me
dark warmth of the theater and the gentlemanly moves
i almost wish he wasn’t so gentlemanly
smelling of him and the alcohol from his soda
damn he smells good
what a gentleman, a sweet guy
i’ve never met someone as gentlemanly as him
he’ll never be the gentleman caller of cursive
though sometimes i wish he wasn’t such a gentleman
coffee and alcohol mixing with his cigarette
damn he smells good
asking but never assuming
never had that before
assumptions make an ass out of you and me
why do you always assume i’ll tell you
innocent kisses of an innocent relationship
turn serious and soon i’m flying
past stars and galaxies
seeing things i can’t even describe
then coming down safe in his arms
warm strong arms around me
i forgot what it felt like to be safe
i refuse to need him like i need you
correction like i needed you
the machine of war stole you away
i pray it won’t steal him too
somehow things aren’t being overanalyzed
i realize i never did overanalyzed
i just analyzed with the wrong people
guys don’t think like girls do
but i have someone who thinks like i do
her life changed quickly and now she’s a mother
her words and analysis of this relationship
make more sense and more impact than yours ever will
so don’t bother talking about it
i’m not talking to you
i’m going to ignore you for now
because all i want to talk about is him
and although you are pretending
and i know you are pretending
i know you don’t want to hear
no one in this position wants to hear
so don’t expect the phone calls late at night
don’t look for the emails or messages
i’m not talking to you
but i won’t lie to you
so ask only if you are ready to hear
because it will be the truth
brutal honest and in your face
so be cautious when you ask
i refuse to lie to you
words and shaken hands
everyone loves him so much
it scares me as they talk
i almost wish they hated him
how strange life is though
those i expected to dislike and distrust him
think he is as wonderful as i do
those i hope will like and trust him
are refusing on grounds i can’t argue with
you hold more sway over me than you know
so please don’t make me miserable by hating him
i hope feather doesn’t hate him
on the unarguable grounds that they are using
i just wanna have some fun
girls just wanna have fun
i’ve never dated a typical guy
i’ve never had a typical relationship
don’t you dare tell me there is nothing typical
you and i were so far removed from typical
i never thought i’d find someone like him
so don’t mess this up for me
i can’t be angry, so i’m going to plead
please don’t mess this up
you have a piece of my heart i promise
you’ve put it together so many times
after so many broken relationships
but who put me together when you broke my heart?
let me have this
i want you to be happy that i’m happy
but don’t lie to me
i won’t lie to you
unless that’s all our relationship is
one big lie
where you lie and i lie
and we pretend we don’t know the truth
is not in the words we say
i don’t promise this won’t hurt
it already hurts me
i’m happy and i don’t want you to know
that it hurts me
so i’ll put on the facade
retreat to his arms
let him put the smile back on my face
i am colorblind coffee black and egg white
someone came along and put the smile back on my face
that he stole when he left
without a word or a whispered goodbye
so screw you and your games
i’m happy and you can’t bring me down from this high
i like the movie and i like this guy
you will just have to deal
if i have to whisper goodbye
before disappearing one more time
don’t think i won’t
i am ready i am fineis not the life you wanted. You don’t love me and you don’t want a kid. You’ve always said that. Even if you could be here for a while, you’ll leave eventually. I can take you leaving now, before I start relying on you. But if you stick around and then leave, I will fall apart. And I can’t.”

“Who says I’ll leave?”

“Mitch, this is not the life you’ve dreamed of, the life you wanted. Once you realize that you’ll leave.”

“Maybe I won’t.”

“Why are you doing this? If you’re mad because I made the decision without you, fine. But its the right decision and you know it. You can’t talk me out of walking away, cause I’m going. I honestly though getting JP to accept this would be easier than getting you to. This isn’t your problem. I’m not your girlfriend or anything. And this isn’t your kid. I’m giving you this out. I’m not hurt, I’m not mad. Not at you. This isn’t your problem. Why are you making this so hard?”

Mitch was quiet for a moment. Why was this being so difficult? Sara was right. This wasn’t his life. And his choice would be to walk away. She wasn’t even asking him to stay, so he wasn’t going to hurt her by leaving. So why couldn’t he just agree to it? “Let me digest all this. I need to sort it out in my head.”

“There’s nothing to sort out. This kind of isn’t your choice.”

“Just….let me buy you dinner tomorrow. I need some time to swallow what you’ve told me. Give me just tomorrow.” His eyes were pleading.

Sara sighed. “Alright. Dinner tomorrow. But then I’m gone.”

“Dinner tomorrow.” But we’ll see about being gone.

******************************************************

Headlights lit up Mitch’s room as he lay on the bed thinking of the situation. Sara was absolutly right with everything she had said. Realistically, this is not what he wanted. He should just walk away and remember the good times. But there was something else in him that didn’t want to just walk away. He needed to figure out what that something was before tomorrow’s dinner. Actually tonight’s dinner according to the clock that read 3:18.

He rolled over trying to force sleep so he would function tomorrow. But when 2 minutes past feeling like 4 hours, he sat up and turned the light on. Enough coffee would keep him going. He made a pot and sat down at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.

Reasons to leave. All the things he still wanted to do. Going back out on the ship. The trip around the country. Skiing and hiking where ever and when ever he wanted.

But she really was an amazing person. She would need all the support she could get. This would be a very difficult time for her and having people around her would help.

But he wasn’t ready to settle down. He wasn’t ready to have a kid.
But she is considering adoption. She would need support to give up the child. He knew how much she cared.

This was crazy. This list was turning into him being selfish and walking away and him being selfless and staying. His normal reaction would be selfish. Take care of himself, cause if he didn’t he wouldn’t be able to take care of anyone else. So why was this so hard? What was keeping him there? He wasn’t in love with her.

Or was he? Was that what was making this decision so hard? They were similar but more so different. He couldn’t quite see spending the rest of his life with her. Marry her and build a life with her? He wanted to do so much. He couldn’t commit to that. Leave her every 4 months.
I couldn’t leave her. I don’t want to leave her. Maybe that was his answer. He couldn’t see life without her. He didn’t want to see life with her, because that would tie him down and open him to pain. He didn’t want to commitment but she was his safety net, always there. And he hadn’t even realized it.

He wasn’t in love with her, but he did care deeply about her. He had been ok with her seeing JP as well in the beginning, but as time wore on, he regretted being so open-minded aobut it. He was not one to go back on his word. But JP was gone now. The floodgates in his mind seemed to open. He did care deeply for her. But being in love with her was a slightly different story. He wasn’t there yet, but he could feel it starting to happen. Especially since he wasn’t guarding himself with JP around. His decision now was did he want to fall in love with her. If he walked away now, he would get over it.

But maybe he wouldn’t fall in love with her. Maybe it was just his mind playing tricks. And he knew that to convince her he was staying around, he had to stay. It was a deep commitment, maybe not lifetime, but at least till after the baby was born. And what if she kept the baby? Would he be able to stay then? Would she want him to?

She didn’t want him to stay because she knew of his dreams. But putting that aside would she want him to? She was always so selfless. He never realized it until now. She rarely did or went for what she really wanted if it would affect someone else badly. Their relationship had worked because she was willing to give him what he wanted. Even when he pushed her to do wat she wanted she would compromise herself to fit what he wanted. He had always admired how selfless she could be, going so far as to ignore her own needs to take care of others. She was giving up everything she wanted for this baby. Even if she didn’t keep it. The next nine months would be completely focused on this kid.

Maybe this was his chance. His opportunity to give her something she needed, ignoring his own needs and desires. But could he really give it all up for that? It wasn’t a temporary situation. It would be permanent and he wouldn’t walk away once he started down this path.

Will she even want me there? She was giving up everything she wanted for this baby. Even if she didn’t keep it. The next nine months would be completely focused on this kid. Nine months. One year. I could give her one year. The ship would still be there in a year. The country would still be there. And if the world got so bad that it wouldn’t be there, she would really need help.

I’ll offer one year. No, I’ll promise one year. And keep that promise. And if she doesn’t want me there, she better have a really good reason as to why.

The alarm clock in his bedroom, startled him out of his thoughts. Time to get ready for work. And tonight he would tell her.

******************************************************

He sat across the table from her, watching her read the menu. He was nervous. He was never nervous around her. But tonight was different. Major things would change tonight.

She knew he was watching her. He was squirming uncomfortably. She was usually the fidgety one. But she was resolved and knew what she had to do. Strange how something so out of her control had brought such a clear path to her. At least for the next nine months. She would work and protect this child. Her only major decision was adoption or not. So why was he fidgeting?

The menus were gone and they were left looking at each other.

Sara broke the silence. “So this is like a farewell dinner right?”

“Is that what you really want?”

“I’ve made my choice, Mitch. And your usual lecture about going after what I want won’t change my mind. I’m content with what I’m doing.”

He took a deep breath. “If that baby was mine, what would change?”

Sara look surprised. “I don’t know. I suppose you would have more of a choice if you wanted to stay or not. But I would still not get an abortion and I would still have to consider adoption. I also wouldn’t have a trial hanging over my head.”

“What will happen with that?”

Sara looked relieve to be on a different topic. “My dad wanted the DA to go after the death penalty, but the defense wants to bargain. They are willing to plead guilty for 15 to 25 in a mental facility. They went in offering that deal, but threatened to fight it if the prosecution pursued the death penalty. They might win too, using the defense of insanity. But the guy wants to punish himself because he knows it was wrong. The DA thinks he’d admit to it in court, even against his attorney’s advice.”

“What do you want?” Mitch probed.

“I don’t want him to die. I don’t think he really meant it.”

“He raped you!” Mitch sputtered. “You said no didn’t you?”

“I did, but…I don’t know. He was so remorseful. He’s excatly like Lennie in Of Mice and Men. I cried when they shot Lennie. I would cry for him too.”

“But Lennie killed someone. And this guy raped you. They shouldn’t go unpunished.” Mitch argued.

“I agree. I really do. But they are simpletons. They don’t completely grasp what happened. They don’t really remember how it happened. It’s like shooting a horse for being scared and kicking someone by accident.” Sara tried to explain.

“He didn’t rape you by accident.”

Ann sighed. “It doesn’t really matter. The DA is going to talk to my dad and bring him down to letting him plead out. Worst comes to worst, my dad is not the DA and the DA will do what he wants. I’ve told the DA what I want and he’s taking that under consideration. Its really out of my hands.”

“Will you have to testify?”

“If it goes to trial I probably will have to. I’ve agreed to if nessecary on behalf of the prosecution. I want him punished, just not put to death or abused.”

Mitch nodded as their dinner arrived. “So who else knows what happened?”

“My parents obviously. My boss cause it has affected my job and it will still. Megan, Brian, Krys, you, JP and that’s about it. They know about the baby. Way more people know about the abduction and a few know about the rape.”

“You seem to be handling this all rather well.” Mitch commented.

“I have my moments. I still break down a lot. But I have therapy every day. And I go into work for a few hours on the better days. Each day gets a little easier. I don’t go anywhere alone anymore. There are people who stay with me, or take me places. Brian has been sleeping in my room on an air mattress. Or Gabe or John. Someone is always there.”

“I can do that too, if you need me.” Mitch offered.

Sara looked up sharply. “You aren’t staying around. This is farewell.”

Mitch looked back at her hard. “If this hadn’t happened, would you still be sending me away?”

“If this hadn’t happened, I would be working and still just balancing along. Looking into schools and figuring out what I was doing seeing two guys at once. Those were my biggest problems before. Now I’m looking into homes for this baby and figuring out how to deal with the man who did this to me. I have to deal with the mental, emotional and physical sides of what happened. I can’t go anywhere without being terrified, even with someone there. My whole life has changed. You told me when we started that you didn’t want a commitment. You wanted to have fun and be happy. And you wanted the same for me. That’s it. No strings. So I’m trying to keep it that way. I need people around me who are commited to me and are going to help me through this.”

“You think I won’t help?” Mitch was almost hurt by the words.

Sara sighed. “I know you would. But we’re not committed and I don’t want to ask that of you. I know your answer and I’m just trying to make this easier. For both of us.”

The dessert arrived as Mitch tried to form the right words. “Who do you have then if I go?”

Sara looked surprised. “I have my close friends around me. People who will help me through this.”

“You and I are close, aren’t we?” Mitch tried a different tactic.

“Yes, I think so.”

“So why can’t I help you?”

“Your dreams, your desires. They don’t match with staying here and helping me deal with all this. And this is not your fault nor your problem. So you don’t have to deal with the consequences.”

“But I have to deal with other consequences.” Mitch saw his opening.

“Like what? Not having me around to have fun when you want? My life can’t revolve like that anymore.”

“No. But…” He hesitated, wondering if he was reading her wrong and she really didn’t care about him. “Do you care about me?”

Sara was thrown off guard. “Course I do. You were my first. And you will always be special.”

Mitch shook his head. “No, not like that. Not like a fond memory of the past. Do you care about me right now, right here?”

“I’m not sure what you mean. I’ll always care about you.”

“I know, but…” He searched for the right words. “Damn it I was never good with this kind of thing.”

“You want to say something I can tell. Just say it. Simple, brutal honesty.”

“You said I would be miserable if I stayed here.”

She interrupted him. “You would be.”

“Forget aobut that for a moment. Forget about anything I’ve ever wanted or said I’ve wanted. What do you want from me? If you could demand everything or anything from me – real like a kiss or not, like the moon in your hand – what would you want?”

“I want you to be happy.”

Frustrated, he shook his head. “No, no, no. Forget my emotions and feelings. You, this is all about you. Do you care about me? Do you want me to stay here and help you through this?”

Sara looked at her dessert. “I don’t want to ask that of you.”

“Why?”

She talked to her cake. “I’m afraid you would say yes.”

“Yes? Why are you scared of me staying? And don’t say because I’ll be miserable.”

Her voice dropped. “I’m afraid you would leave one day. And I’ll care so much then it will hurt more than it does now.”

He didn’t say anything for a long time. Just watched her pick at her cake. “It hurts now? That you have to send me away?”

She nodded and he saw a tear fall down her cheek. “But if you stay now, it will hurt much more when you do leave. And I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

“Locking yourself away isn’t the answer. Sending us away when we get too close itsn’t right. You have to let someone in at some point.”

“No. If I don’t open up that much, I won’t get hurt. And I have this baby to think about right now. I can’t risk getting hurt.”

“Are you going to keep the baby?”

She shrugged. “If I do, I’m not sure what to tell it about it’s father. Daddy raped me and now is in jail. But youare the thing that came out of all this mess. There’s the kid’s psychological damage for life. But after carrying it for nine months, I don’t know if I can give it up. Maybe I’ll love it.”

“Maybe you’ll hate it. If it looks just like it’s father can you look at it every day and be reminded of how it happened?”

Sara nodded. “I know. I feel like I have a few months to really make a choice though. The first one of deciding to have the baby was the first hurdle. This is only the next one.”

The check came and Mitch felt his opportunity slipping away. He needed to convince her of his one year commitment. He wrote a note on the check requesting she not return the card and slip for at least 20 minutes then sent it back.

He didn’t know how to say it so desperatly he blurted it out. “Sara, I’m not going to walk away. I’m going to stay with you and help you through this.”

“Mitch, I’m not asking you to.” She protested.

“I know you aren’t. And I’m not really offering. Its how its going to be.”

“It is very nice of you to be willing to do this…”

He interrupted her. “I’m not being nice. I’m being downright selfish. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want you out of my life right now. This is what I want and has little to do with what you want. You’re going to have to do a fanatastic job convincing me to leave before I do.”

Sara was unreadable. “And this has to do with me. I can’t risk this. I can’t risk being with you, only to have you leave. There is too much on my plate right now.”

“I promise not to leave. I promise to give you the next year, without you needing to worry that I’ll leave. I commit that to you. What happens after that is open water. But I will be here for you for that time.”

Sara’s voice was quiet. “I’m not some kind of job you can commit to like that. If you stop caring, there is no point in your staying and I’m not going to back you into a corner because of that commitment. I don’t want to force you to stick around because of that. And I don’t want you forcing yourself to stay with me cause you said you would. All we could commit to each other right now is this moment, this time now. And I can’t risk that hurt somewhere in the midst of everything else. I can take the hit now and deal with it. But not with everything else going on.”

“You’re not a job to me. You mean something to me.”

Sara’s eyes shot fire. “Something. You don’t know what it is and you can’t define it. It’s an unknown, a risk. One I can’t bet on, not right now.”

“But you admit this is hurting you. Walking away from me is hurting you.”

“Of course it is. But it will hurt more when it happens later.”

He realized the fire was only a mask for her pain. “When it happens? You don’t know that it will.”

“But what if it does?”

“But what if it doesn’t? What if we make it through this? You need me right now, admit it. So why force me away? When I could help you?”

“Because this isn’t a one-way street, Mitch. You have to need me too. And I’m in a position of needing you more than you will need me. I don’t want a relationship based on what I need and ignoring your needs.”

“But you’ll ignore your needs and satisfy all of mine? The relationship was skewed before.”

“So all the more reason to end it now. Before it gets out of hand.”

Mitch shook his head. “I’m glad JP walked away without a fight. Know why? I didn’t want him to have you anymore. I didn’t want you to need him anymore. I wanted to be what you needed. And I realize I never did that before, which is why you needed JP. I need you more than you realize. More than I realized.”

“So your views are changing and my life is changing. Who’s to say we’ll make it through everything together? I can’t stand losing you. I need to do this now. I can’t commit to something as uncertain as you and me.”

The waitress came back with the check and card. Mitch took it silently. Neither one spoke as they left the restaurant and got in the car. Silence filled the car as he drove her home. He parked the car and turned it off, but left the doors locked.

Sara’s voice was choked as she broke the silence. “I can’t need you anymore.”

“But I need you. And as much as you don’t want to, you need me. Please…” His voice broke and he took a breath to steady himself. “Please don’t do this.” He turned to look at her face, tears streaming down it. “Please, I’m begging you. Don’t.”

She refused to turn her head. “I’m only trying to protect myself. This is the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. But I’m only protecting myself. And I have no real good reason to believe that something won’t break us apart. Its not that I don’t trust you. I do. But words won’t convince me of that.”

“What would?”

She shook her head. “I don’t even know. But if you figure it out, I’ll know.” She turned her head away. “This is goodbye, Mitch. Thank you for everything.” She reached for the door handle.

“Wait.” Mitch was breathing hard, his heart about to explode from his cheat. “I didn’t want to say this, cause I wasn’t sure it would be true. But I know now, it is. And while it is an attempt to make you stay, please know that its not just that. Its the truth and I want you to know before you leave.”

Sara covered her face with her hands. “Don’t hurt me,” came muffled through her hands.

“I never want to hurt you. I love you.” Mitch sat perfectly still watching Sara’s body wrench with sobs.

Finally, her hands fell from her face. “I love you.” Tears were streaming down her face. “But I don’t know how this will work.”

Mitch turned her face towards him and kissed her gently. “We’ll make it work.”

Sara shook her head. “No, you still have to leave.”

Mitch’s head whirled with her words.