PaRaDoX of Emotions

With one word
listen
you flip my world inside out
we’re not just best friends
and i hate you for that
and i’m alive because of that
moments of de ja vue
turn into reality
she’s in the hospital
and my reality blinks
with a cheating but honest boy
trapped in a man’s body
creating his own distortions
perfect or horrific timing
we never find the happy medium
rescue me and we’ll never go home
my world flips inside out
like an anti-matter bomb
annihilation of the truth
no more distortions or facades
why is a new boyfriend
held to higher standards
than my closest friend
it is a paradox of emotions
i refuse to care more for him
than i do for you right now
i’ll try to let go
but i can’t stop loving you
i can’t stop being selfish
these emotions are more than just
if i can’t have you no one can
lies by omission are still lies
i don’t want to lie to you
but i keep on lying
i want to be open with you
but i keep on hiding
you think everything has changed
but then why do i feel this way
on the same road we’ve always been on
and yet you are convinced its changed
i’m glad you think its different
i’m glad this no longer drives you mad
but now the tides have turned
and i’m the one going insane
poison in everything you say
and nothing has changed
do you even care
can you even tell this is killing me
I’ve been lying to keep you from this pain
now i’m crying and i know that i’m to blame
i can’t even blame you for this
but i’ll be damned if i don’t try
how can i move on when i still love you
how can anything have changed
when i still feel the same
something’s gotta change someone’s gotta give
before i walk out the door all over again
somehow when the emotions settle
and my head stops spinning
when the homicidal tendencies finally die
i’ll be able to explain this better
my words won’t become so twisted
maybe when the room is empty
maybe when the bottles full
maybe when the door gets broke down
love can break in
maybe when I’m done with thinking
maybe you can think me whole
maybe when I’m done with endings
this can begin…
maybe when the songs stop meaning so much
maybe when the lyrics don’t make me cry
maybe when the moon and sun are lined up in the sky
well maybe then i’ll be able to tell you
just how this all makes me feel
maybe you will just listen to me
and understand what my words mean
the twisted words that make no sense
the wrong words you always correct
i’m not the english award winner
that’s you, all i’m not is you
you are the hand between my fingers
the strength to my weaknesses
so whatever the outcome
whenever the last bell tolls
i need you with me
but i need not to need you moreas strange. I did though and nothing happened. We went to Perkins and he told me again to get to know RJ and that he wanted to know. He’s so randomly funny. I called Kim cause I didn’t want to be alone and then when she went home I went straight to Kaba’s cause I just did not trust myself to be alone. I’m still trying to sort out what to do about RJ. I don’t I can be the kind of girl who can sleep with two guys. RJ had said he didn’t want anything serious and committed cause he was going back to Florida in Sept. So great – Irish, firefighters, Boy Scouts, non-committal and only around on weekends. I really know how to pick them. I’m thinking I’ll get to know RJ a little more before I make a choice. No matter what happens though, I want to stay friends with Mike. He was my first and I want to remember that. Even if I wasn’t his first and we aren’t in love. I just want to be able to call him up and go to dinner every once in a while.

But I’m still freaking about Jenny being gone. It’s making me feel like I did with McNaughton, even though then I could kind of see it coming. But I don’t know what’s going to happen. And this morning at work I really just lost it. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I wanted to go home where I could really break down and scream. But I have to work. And I know my dad feels helpless cause I couldn’t stop crying. But I told him what happened. And he’s trying but he doesn’t get why I’m crying. I was manic last week and I was cutting last week. I haven’t been doing that lately. And to suddenly come up. It just scared me really bad. He thinks its just my fear of the unknown, of just me not knowing what is going to happen next. He kept telling me to just make the appointment to see the director and figure it all out. He really thinks thats going to help, just making that call. And it will help. But its not really why I was crying. I was physically hurting cause this is my life he’s talking so casually about. He just sees it as a problem with a simple solution. But I was manic and cutting again. I really don’t think I would have been that bad on Monday morning, it was building from the past week. But if Mike hadn’t been there I would probably be dead. I’ve never been that out of it. And I didn’t tell Dad that, but he doesn’t get that this is a serious life or death situation. I’m scared that it will take too long to find someone I can trust and really help me and by the time I do it will be too late. And not that I won’t see the director soon enough, but that the doctor I finally end up seeing I’ll have to learn to trust. And that takes time and I don’t know if I have that kind of time. I’m moving soon and I was going to start weaning myself off Jenny, make things better and I felt a little more ready, although last weeks mania and strangeness was no good. But I think Jenny would have helped cause she usually does. And it would have been a progression forward rather than an upwards building of trust. But my dad doesn’t really understand what I’m scared of. And that actually makes me scared because I need someone to get me right now. And Kaba does but she doesn’t. And Mike does with what I’ll tell him, but I don’t want to get into it with him. Although I feel like I should call and explain the whole knife incident to him. He did handle it really well. I’m not getting into it with Brian or Manny cause they WILL NOT understand. I will a little with Megan but she’s too far away and has too many problems, I don’t want to burden her. I just wish there was someone I could talk to. I mean really talk to, not just noting or emailing – like a real voice or a real face. I can’t tell RJ cause he’ll have to report it all and besides I’m not sure he’ll get it. So umm who does that leave me? Kim – nope she’s too young and non-bipolar. John won’t get it at all. Its been too long. Santero is too young and I don’t want to really scare him away. Grovers are just too funny sometimes, although Bubba has been there when I’ve needed him. Rebecca and I aren’t close enough. Maybe this is part of the bi-polarism acting out. No one understands. I’m so alone.

And this is what I’m so terrified of. The bipolar taking over again and no one there to help me keep it in check. Even if it is an almost merely professional relationship of doctor and patient. Sometimes thats better than an intimate personal relationship. But then you know that person loves you and really cares about you, not just doing it for your money.

Wide awakened out of spinning
Round the safest orbit
You controlled the ordinary
I was grateful for it
Wide awake in the beginning
Trembling after the fall
Only half my world remembers
While the other half revolves

Cut off cause I can’t remember
A face that could cut me deeper
But hearts could never leave me bleeding
Becoming the cause and burden
The lesson begins unlearning
And it has never been forgiving my dear

It’s all too familiar; I’ve been here before
I’ll carry this weight for your smallest reward
Because I’ll continue to break down the door
Just let me in I swear it will not be like before

Can’t think of what to say
I can’t think of what to do
I just think I might be losing my mind
Can’t stop this agony
Cancel my therapy cause
I just thought of you
and now I feel fine

Collecting the strangest conscience
Apathy returns it’s offense
But only after I get moving
Relax and begin the change
In time for the newest age
To help me find out what I’m missing in here

It’s all too familiar; I’ve been here before
I’ll carry this weight for your smallest reward
Because I’ll continue to break down the door
Just let me in I swear it will not be like before

Can’t think of what to say
I can’t think of what to do
I just think I might be losing my mind
Can’t stop this agony
Cancel my therapy cause
I just thought of you
and now I feel fine

I covered all the grounds til
Uncovered our design
And every second I have sepnt
has come to remind me in time

I awakened out of spinning
Round the safest orbit
You controlled the ordinary
I was grateful for it

Can’t think of what to say
I can’t think of what to do
I just think I might be losing my mind
Can’t stop this agony
Cancel my therapy cause
I just thought of you
and now I feel fine
Therapy ~ Finger Eleven

That’s excatly how I feel right now.