tears that won’t come

Somewhere in me
Is a pressure cooker
That slowly adds all troubles
Of my lifetime
From the missed note in church
To the missed friend in college
A head of guilt
And a ton of pain
Slowly added together
Set the tempature to a low simmer
And wait the world away
Let things go into the pot
And pretend nothing matters
The result is mixed
Comes in many forms

I want to cry
And let everything out
In silent screams
And painful breaths
But the lid on this pot
Has been sealed shut
And I can’t seem to open it
I know the longer I wait
The more explosive and dangerous
The reaction will be
And the less reality it will need
To set off the ticking bomb
Soon all I will need
Is a tiny drop of reality
To send me spinning into oblivion

The waiting is the worst
Have you ever waited for a pot to boil?
This is worse
Have you ever waited for a bathroom
After a 6 hour car ride
With 4 gallons of coffee in you?
Multiply that by a hundred
And you will understand one thousandth
Of what I am feeling right now
And the feelings that come along
for this fun ride
Are the worst
Guilt and loneliness grow exponentially
While reason and truth
Are thrown out the window
I am unlovable, unreasonable and crazy
I am stupid and stubborn
I am not amazing
And I am certainly not strong
If I was I would be able to beat this
I can’t cry
Because I’m trying to be strong
I can’t be strong
Because I’m trying to cry
The madness of this all
Is too much to bear
The grass is blue
And the TV smells pretty
Laughter makes me crazy
And tears make me mad
He doesn’t love me
Why don’t I love him?
He doesn’t understand me
Why do I care about him?
She doesn’t even miss me
So why do I drive to see her?
Someone out there must save me
Before I do something crazy
Permanently crazyor if he is like we are today with a sense of humor and in touch with this world.