My life

in the midst of all the struggle
in the midst of all the pain
one voice in my head calls out
calling me back again
these nights i get high from breathing
these nights when the earth is dark
when the world is lonely and no one is there
i’ll look to you so i can see
you are the light in my shadow
everyone is looking for their bridge
you are the gate that keeps me from mine
cigarette burning in my hand
stars burning in God’s hand
thoughts burning in my head
pain burning in my eyes
you are the salve that covers me
you are the binds that protect me
you are there while i get over this pain
standing firm with a baseball bat
and a hand full of flowers
gentleness and tenderness
mixed with power and protectiveness
never in a million days
will anyone take the place of you
and if i forget admist the tears
and laughter
admist the anguish and sunshine
if i should ever forget
to tell you thank you
to tell you i love you
know this you are forever my brother
and know this i am forever here for you
and know this i am eternally grateful
the gift that you gave was my life
and i shall never be able to repay
and you shall never know the extent
that the promise made one night to you
has kept me alive this far
so thank you
thank you for my lifetraffic was a bit heavy. I got through Albany then said I couldn’t take it anymore. He drove and I just lay down and closed my eyes for about 15 minutes. I told him I never let people drive my car without me watching their every move, which I didn’t do with him. I actually didn’t even watch him pull out of the parking spot. I put the seatback and just relaxed. It was pretty much what I needed, helped me calm the headache and get my mood back under control.

We made good time, cause he’s pretty agressive from the city driving. Whe we got to my house, and he actually came in and talked with my parents for a while. Told my dad what he did to the water hose and how much he liked the house. I’m not sure if they like him or not. I think they are just being wary cause they love me, but at least Daddy’s not being his usual asshole self to the guy I’m seeing. I seriously think its because of the whole firehouse brotherhood. Which is nice, but a little unnerving. And I think he and my dad would get on splendidly, which worries me. He thinks so too from what I’ve told him about my dad. Even with all the bad stuff he’s done. He’s not protective, which is sometimes a tiny bit annoying, but it makes me feel independent at the same time. Like he’s not in control of my life. Although he still kinda blames himself for me and Heather not being friends anymore. He was part of it, but not the whole reason. I think if he knew Heather better, he might try to patch things up between us. That or else he would understand why we aren’t friends anymore. But he doesn’t harp on it with me.

I had asked him if he was going to be able to come up this coming weekend cause Mom and Dad were going away. He said he might take his sister rock-climbing again. Its cute the way he completely adores her. He calls her a pain in the ass, but its different from the way he talks about his mom. I can hear how he really loves her. I told him it didn’t matter that much if I didn’t get a chance to see him. He had already told me he would be pretty busy the next few weeks. Its nice that he lets me know what to expect. I don’t expect much, but at least I’m not always holding my breath to see what happens. I told him if he was up and wanted to come over for dinner or needed a place to crash to give me a call. If not I would see him whenever. When he left, I was standing in my driveway watching him pack up, and he was like, “Why are you pouting? You’re home.” I told him that was excatly the problem. I didn’t really want to be around my parents. But I had dinner with them and they asked about our weekend. It was ok and after dinner I went over to Kaba’s. We talked and got coffee and I was home by midnight.

It sucks that I’m back at work now, but thats life. And it also makes the whole weekend that much better. Cause it was special and a mini vacation. Mike’s big on rewarding yourself for hard work. Work hard, party hard. Which he does quiet well. And he kinda made me reward myself this weekend too. It was just what we both needed.

This morning though is the start of a very bad week. I can just feel it. If it gets worse I really hope I’ll get to see Mike, cause he will definitely help. This morning I got up and took a shower, almost didn’t get dressed in time, but made it. Mom was in a good mood and so was Dad. Least he was until he got a flat tire.

It was raining a little when we left, but had pretty much stopped. He had pulled over to go around someone who was turning left and went too far off the road, so his back right tire blew out. So we pulled onto a side street (mind you we are only like 5 mins from our house. And he got out the jack and the tire. Then he couldn’t find the place to hook the jack, so he put down a blanket and got on his knees. He almost couldn’t get the lugenuts off, which pissed him off. Then he couldn’t get the new tire on cause the jack wasn’t on right, so he had to put the old tire back on, lower the car, fix the jack, put it back up and try again. Meanwhile, it had started POURING. Not drizzling, buckets of huge drops. He told me to get back in the car so we wouldn’t both get wet, but I didn’t want to climb in while the car was jacked up. So I stood under the roof of the trunk, bending over so if the jack fell I wouldn’t get smacked in the head. And the roof covered most of me but a lot of water went on my neck, under my coat and down my shirt. Dad got completely drenched before he got the tire on and we could get going. So we had to go home so he could change. I had only sandals on my feet so when it was pouring, they got completely soaked. I changed my skirt cause the back had gotten wet. Dad wasn’t too pissed off about the whole thing. Least he wasn’t snapping at me. Maybe its because he realized it was his own fault for going off the edge of the road.

It was just one of the bad Monday mornings. And now, I can’t seem to warm up. I’m shivering with my fleece around me. I hope I’m not getting sick, cause that would really suck. Especially this week. But oh well. I have a chill and work calls.

Piece by piece, and bit by bit
I’ll break this down for you, real slow
But I can’t whisper all of this
And I can’t seem to let this go
So I’ll watch the matches turn to ashes

I can tell its your turn
I smell the sulfur so clear
And fire’s a beautiful sound
And the wings that you burn
Turn to ashes my dear
And ashes just fall to the ground
Yeah we’re only ashes

Part by part and inch by inch
You’ll have your mile when its through
Incinerate whats left of this
And torch the part of me that’s you
So I’ll watch the matches, turn to ashes

I can tell its your turn
I smell the sulfur so clear
And fire’s a beautiful sound
And the wings that you burn
Turn to ashes my dear
And ashes just fall to the ground
Yeah we’re only ashes
Only Ashes ~ Something Corporate