Radio Silent

It’s been almost two months, so this better be good, right?
*crosses arms*
*taps foot*
*shrugs*
It’s not. Sorry. For a minute I was thinking of maybe holding off until something big happened, you know? But then I started reflecting on the… well, the last two years, really… and figured, fuck it. Who has time for that anyhow?
Because the truth is, I’m still here. Sadly. Every night I walk through a front door that isn’t mine. I sleep in a room full of things in boxes. I shower in a bathroom that houses other people’s toothbrushes. And my car is never parked in the same place twice.

Last year could have never happened at all and I’d have been none the wiser. 2012 – what a fucking joke.
I did have back surgery, though. So, there’s that. *twirls finger* Let it be known. Erin knows how to have a good time.
 
… I really, really miss my sister. Two months is too damn long and it hurts. It’s her birthday on Friday. The big three-oh. I hate missing it.
But she’s happy now.
I’ll admit to having to remind myself of that quite a few times during my daily two hour commute home.
It’s not always about you, Erin.
That’s what they say.
 
And where did all of you go, anyhow? It’s been a bar town’s 1:59am around here for quite some time, I suppose. I mean – you dropped off slowly, at first – but I scanned the crowd and there’s more than a few bold faces missing. I’ve noticed, is all. I haven’t forgotten you. And I miss you when you’re not around.
There was this one time when… well, someone, though I don’t remember who, suggested doing the interests thing. Young blood, they called it. Or maybe that’s what I called it in my head while reading the note, anyhow. I can’t be sure. But somehow the interests are supposed to draw a new crowd.
But I don’t want a new crowd. I liked the one I had. And how does it work, anyhow? Do people actively have to search you out via their own interests? Or does it somehow tie in to the randomizer – like… how most listened to songs are called up more often on the slacker fm? Anyhow, the face of this place hasn’t changed much. Still the same pro-life ‘muricuh shoot em up shit that was there months ago. Though I see my subscription has run its course. Am I… is it still worth it?
Doesn’t matter. I was just wondering on a whim. In the midst of writing.
And that’s another thing, isn’t it?
I ran into Heather while I was out walking Marley on Sunday. Heather aka Moon Lady (old nickname, don’t ask) aka Lady. It’s been a year maybe? Or two? Like I said, 2011/12 got away from me. But it’s been a while, to say the least. So we did the catch up – her and her boyfriend and his son and work and painting and maybe thinking about moving to Corona and how are the parents doing and the cat’s still crazy and you wouldn’t believe it but I finally took Shaun to see Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Nuart last Friday night and he almost got decapitated by a flying corn tortilla and thinks we must have been dropped on our heads or something. That sort of thing. And then she mentioned that Doug’s trying to put together a class of 2002 reunion, since they missed the big ten year. And it’s just a small thing because the school’s broke and the budget’s zilch and so maybe in the gym but hey Erin, you have to go(!).
And ain’t that just the best damn idea ever. Because it’s bad enough that I can still say I’ve spent 99.9% of my life in the same 100 mile radius, I’m still not married and haven’t even considered the reality of kids yet, I live at home with my fucking parents who don’t even like living with each other, and I’ve spent the last nine years working for a big headed Canadian who thinks my most notable contribution to the company is my ability to slap pre-measured coffee grounds into a plastic bin and press the start button. But then she has to go and ask the question. You know… the question.
“Have you written anything yet?”
Pow. Gut shot, hey?
Because she’s always been my biggest cheerleader. Ever since we were little kids and I decided at eight years old that I was going to make a name for myself as a writer/journalist. I did. And we’d sit in her room and record our broadcasting shows so I could practice my communications skillz, taking turns recording tracks from stations like K-Earth 101.1 and 95.5 KLOS – her playing Elvis Presley, me playing Aerosmith, her playing Paula Abdul, me playing Pink Floyd – our voices introducing queue at bats and runners up – me teasing her for having a crush on The King and wanting to have a million of his babies, her freaking out because her parents didn’t know that she knew what sex was yet, pressing rewind and play:record to edit out the accusation and replacing it with her desire to adopt a million babies with him, instead. Because, somehow, in our minds, that made it better.
Never mind the fact that nobody listened to those damn cassettes but us.
Point is, she’s always been the one that pushed me. Told me I could do it – be a writer and all. Nobody’s believed it as much as her, I don’t think.
But no. I haven’t written shit. In the last two months, the only thing I have written is a sorry excuse for an email and a few text messages asking Shaun if the taxable interest statement on my student loans came in the mail yet.
And that hurt. Saying no her. And her silence , the slight downward pull of the corners of her mouth, her sudden interest in bending down to pet Marley, the way she said – “well… you should.” That hurt, too.
I really couldn’t give two shits about a reunion or having a list of accomplishments to impress a bunch of people I haven’t even had any interest in talking to in the last ten years. But I do wish I could have lived up to the potential she saw in me. Admitting failure on that count kind of makes the whole thing weigh a bit more, I guess.

The more "some day" you profess, the less you start to believe it. Or maybe it’s just me.

*tap tap tap*

So.

Don’t mind me. Just drawing blood here.

In a week and a half, Shaun will have been my official boyfriend for nine solid years.
My sister is turning thirty.
My brother and his wife keep talking about having a baby.
And my parents still aren’t the type to take jumping pictures.
 
I just want to make some progress. That’s all.
It’s been so long.