Overwhelmed and Losing Control

“Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance, and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices in life no more easily made. And give. Give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared, and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.” ~ Kent Nerburn

I like this quote. It is very powerful and I feel that it is very true. Today has been tough and I don’t know if this week will get any easier. However Sunday night was nice. Let’s start with that and work our way up to now.

Sunday I spent working and then I had a committee meeting that night. It was only fifteen minutes long. I love it when things go quickly, makes my life easier.

Manny and I had plans to watch The Motorcycle Diaries, so I called him to tell him that my meeting was over. He didn’t answer, so I left a message. He was over at 8:00 like we planned to begin the movie. It was a really good movie and I am glad that I watched it. I think I might have to purchase that one.

He has seen the film before, but he suggested on Saturday night that we watch it. I was impressed with the film. The whole time we were watching it, we both sat on the futon and held each other’s hand. I leaned my head on his shoulder every once in a while and he would lean his head against my head. Then my hair would get stuck in his whiskers. It was sweet and I really enjoyed it.

After that was over, I ended up giving him the back massage that I promised him. Friday night when we were getting lost trying to find Calley’s place, he was giving me a hard time about how long we had to walk. I was teasing him and calling him a cry baby. I later informed him that I would make it up to him and then on Saturday I decided that a back massage would do the trick.

Well, we headed to my room for the back massage. He enjoyed it and then it quickly turned into us making out. Hey, I am not opposed to this and I thoroughly enjoyed the activities.  He stayed until about 12:45 am and then he had to head over to the library to print some things out. He and I keep very different hours. He sleeps during the day and works at night, where as I sleep at night and take naps in the afternoon, have classes in the morning and afternoon, and work at night. So normally we end up calling the other one and waking each other up.

The whole time we were making out, I was burning up. I don’t know what my deal is, but I am so hot any more. Everyone else in the room will be just fine and there I am burning up and sweating like none other. So I called my mom about this today and I asked her what the deal is. She informed me that I was having hot flashes. Well, I have night sweats as well, all thanks to this little cyst in my side. My mom knows that I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday, so she told me to tell him about all of this.

Well, I didn’t feel good today, so I skipped my Africa class, went and bought some clothes, and then came home and crashed out. Kat was in town today and we had plans to go to dinner at 5:00. She called me around 3:15 to see what I was up to, but I was asleep and she said she would ring me at 5. Manny called about thirty minutes later and told me to call him later.

I called him back when I woke up and we talked for a few minutes. Then I called Kat and we decided to go get dinner at the wine bar down on the Avenue. They have the best chicken pesto pizza with sun dried tomatoes. So yummy.

Well, Kat dropped me off at my place and I realized that I needed to return the movie. So before I returned the movie, I walked into the bathroom and decided to step on the scale. I had gained five pounds within the last week. This was a shock to me. I jumped into the car to return the movie and that is when everything hit me. I am so tired of feeling like shit, I am exhausted all of the time, I don’t have an appetite, but I have gained five pounds within the last week. I am having hot flashes and waking up with night sweats. I am so stressed out with school that it isn’t even funny. I feel swamped with the committee and all that comes with it and then top that off with campaigns and all the politics of the group in that and I just lost it. I bawled on the drive back to my flat and just let it out.

I jumped into a cold shower because I was burning up and just bawled. I needed to get it out and when I got out of the shower, I saw that Terena called and wanted me to keep Friday night open because I never hang out with her and she is having a wine and cheese party.

I tried to call Big C and talk to him. He normally knows how to handle me and how to get me to calm down and see things so they aren’t nearly as big or as bad as I make them out to be. But he didn’t answer his phone. I left a message, but I just needed a hug. No one here where I live is very good hug givers, but I ended up calling Manny.

He didn’t understand what was going on at first. I mean, when a girl calls you sobbing and in tears, they aren’t the easiest thing to understand. He said he would be over as soon as possible, which is not what I wanted. I offered to come over to his place for a hug.

He got there and asked what was bothering me. I felt so bad about telling him everything, but I needed to talk to someone and I was just so stressed out and tired of feeling shitty. He listened and he told me that I take on way to much and I put too much pressure on myself. He said that we are just going to have to wait and see what the doctor says on Friday. As for the paper in my Cuba class, it doesn’t have to be my best work, I told myself this when I was waiting for him to come over. I have put so much stress on that paper that I have made myself physically upset about it. As for the committee, it doesn’t have to be perfect. If I could make it to the meeting tomorrow, I would. However, I have to be somewhere for class and I will not be able to make it. They will have to deal with that because none of my board members are willing or able to go.

Manny told me that I needed to take some time for myself. This weekend I should just forget about everyone else and just chill. Relax, listen to music, watch television, watch a movie, work a bit on school work and just take me time. I know I need to do this, but how can I do this when I am suppose to meet Gina for dinner on Thursday. I can’t cancel on her; I have cancelled on her two weeks in a row.

There is also the barbeque that I have to put in an appearance at on Thursday evening. Friday I have to head back to my home town to see the doctor and then stick around till 6:00 to see Big C because he is coming back for the weekend. Thenthere is the three hour drive back to Uni, where I have to put in an appearance at Terena’s wine and cheese party. If I don’t go to that I hurt her feeling because I haven’t been able to hang out with her outside of school. Saturday my parents are coming up, which I am looking forward to. My plans for Saturday night are to stay in. However, all I want to do right now is sleep.

I don’t know what to do, but eventually it will all get taken care of.