In the now

So, Reese is not an easy baby. Shouldn’t have let that newborn sleepiness fool me. She’s much more difficult than Max was. Oh, how I do not like, at all, the first several months. Seriously, gimme a fully formed toddler. Or, fine. Ill take a baby, but lets have them sitting up on their own already, ok? Able to play with toys and be proper little humans. This beginning stuff is just awful.

Someone said to me that “newborns are boring”. I’d KILL for boring. I’ve got no idea what boring is like. I do know, however, what it’s like to have a colicky baby. Or one who you literally can’t put down for longer than a minute without them crying for you. One who needs to be held constantly. And needs to be jiggled and bounced constantly while constantly being held. One who doesn’t sleep well. Hell, Reese is still waking up every hour at night sometimes. One who won’t let dad hold her at all or she’ll start wailing. There’s more but ill stop.

I mean, she’s gotten a bit better. Eric is slowly being tolerated by her more in the last few days. I’m able to get 10 minutes out of her on a playmat. She is no longer the super crying colicky baby all the time. She turns little corners. And I do have to say that she’s generally a good day napper. But yeah, we just do not get good babies. Apparently my daughter is just like I was as a baby so I suppose I had it coming.

All is not ridiculously awful all the time though. We go over to my parents house, me and the kids, twice a week and not only does my mom help hold her a lot (she hates being held by my dad, too. She has some weird thing with men), but its just nice to have people to hang out with while taking care of her. We also have a part time nanny who comes for a few hours a day, a few times a week. And I adore her, as does Reese. She’s become a friend so it’s fun to have her here as well as super helpful. Plus, Eric splits night shifts with me, and honestly, he gets the brunt of it so I’ve got a husband who does more to help me in that way and many, many others than any other husband I know.

So it’s not all complete hideousness. But I just cannot fucking wait till she’s out of this new baby stage. She’s just relentless. Thank all that is holy that we are so, so, so done having children. Dear god, I don’t like baby bootcamp.

It’s funny. I’ve noticed that there are two types of annoying moms. The ones who act like babies are the greatest and how easy they have it. It’s bragging in the form of how wonderful their baby is, almost as if to imply that you’re doing something g wrong if you don’t have a good baby. They are also the ones that talk of what a blessing it is to have them, how deeply in love they are with them. And I get it. Theoretically I get it. But, no.

Yeah, yeah, in the grand scheme, I’m very lucky to have my kid. It’s going to be great. But it’s not now and I’m not going to pretend it is. And yes, I love my baby but in this sort of abstract way that pulls at the base emotions in me. I need to protect her and care for her. That, I feel. But I don’t feel the overwhelming love yet. That takes time. It builds. The way I feel soul crushingly head over heels deep, deep for Max? That took time. That took a thousand experiences and days and memories and near misses and trips to the ER to build you know? Reese is still so blob like. Getting cute as hell with each passing week, but still. Blob like. We are just now seeing a few sporadic smiles.

The one thing that will make your heart leap and fold in on itself with love is when your kid gets hurt, or you’re scared for them. That’s huge. I almost hate it because it brings you to your knees with how much you want to save them from any tiny bit of pain and how much you love them. It’s an odd thing.

Oh, and the other mom. She’s the martyr. She has it worse than anyone. She has the toughest baby ever and never fails to remind you of all the ways it’s bad, BUT she cares for her lovingly, waiting hand and foot. She is the best mom there is because of how well she does it though everything is the very worst it can be.

It’s interesting to have the two types of annoying, sanctimonious moms at such opposite ends of the spectrum. I find it fascinating. Thank goodness none of my mom friends fall into either category. They just tell it like it is, the good and the bad.

But yeah. So, that’s us right now. It’ll get better. It just sucks in the now.