Fair

Time: 5:46A.M. CST

Temp: 4 Wind Chill -15 to -20 below zero F!

Weather: Cold. Is meant to finally get above freezing WEDNESDAY!

Location: Freezing in my bed in Olathe, Ks

This is the   Day of 2010

The girls were dropped off on our doorstep over the Christmas holiday.  I had even expected it. The Sunday after Christmas Larry and I were sitting on the couch and I told him "The girls are going to come over today" and then a few hours later when Larry let Fleming out to potty here comes the girls’ mom pulling up and letting them out.  No call of corse. Now I know this is their home too but I’ve been asking for the past, I don’t know how long, for them to call and let us know…  I’m not going to let this drive me batty anymore as it will soon no longer be an issue.  I guess there is only a small window of time that you can train childen to be responsible and considerate of others and clearly we’ve past that. So we just go from there…

Skye and Benjamin live here with of of corse and the girls live with their mom and pop over random and stay anywhere from a day or two to a week or two depending on the whem of their mom…

So of corse our little family of Larry and I, Skye and Benjamin take on a rythem and schedule that changes when the girls are over, without warning…  Skye doesn’t really understand about how the girls’ have a different mom and all that mess. She knows Autumn and Kenzie have a car that comes and get them and takes them away and that it is "mom" if you know what I mean.

I’m sorry I’m blathering on. I am trying to focus my mind on what exactly I want to say.  I want to show how we have a life that goes on that from time to time includes the girls. 

Skye, being three is going through this stage wherein everything is "My ‘guyguy (fill in name of object). and we are trying to work with her on learning to share.  Most of the time we don’t take this mass-ownership too seriously.  Skye has claimed some things though. The living room, she has a particular chair she likes to sit in.  Larry has even said that it is Skye’s chair.  Skye and Benjamin have their toys all over the pace…

Okay and then there is this. When we moved in here in the very end of December 2005 Kenzie got the bedroom down stairs and Autumn was meant to have the rom that became the toddlers’ room.  She has now been sleeping on the living room sofa and she is not happy that the toddlers kicked her out and that Kenzie has her own room.  As far as that, with age comes privlidge…  It is hard and sort of mean to my way of thinking to tell Autumn sometimes life just sucks like that and the babies are here all the time not just the random times that she is over.  We had down stairs all fitted out or her. A nice big sofa and a place to put her clothes but then something went wrong, we had to pull stuff out of a storage closet and now there is junk everywhere down in Larry’s section of the basement including the extra sofa and we just haven’t had the time to do anything about it.

Autumn wants to kick the toddlers out of their room or sleep on the floor. Neither of these are not workible options.

She commented that it isn’t fair how Skye owns everything.  Autumn doesn’t think it fair she has to earn her time on the computer, she doesn’t think it is fair that kenzie has her own room and while I wonder why they can’t share, things are what they are.  Autumn doesn’t think it is fair that I will not allow her to watch many of the programs and or movies she wants when the todlers are up because the movies contain language or other things not good for them to watch.  Also when she is on the computer she can not also watch TV and must return it to the preschool stations I keep on much of the time for the toddlers…

It might seem like the toddlers rule the roost.  I guess they do because most of the time it is just them and me here…  And it is all about to change more when we move…

Kenzie wants to move in with us next month and then to Wichita to finish school.  We’ve told her that is perfectly fine.

If she moves with us we are only going to have at most two bedrooms so she’ll have to camp out in the living room because the toddlers will get the bedroom.  We want a 3 bedroom place so each toddler can have his and her own room.  Kenzie will soon be going off to college or out on her own and we need to provide for the toddlers.

When Autumn comes to visit us she and Kenzie will have to share the living room or wher ever we wind up at…

Autumn is mad that she’ll have to change schools with one year remaining in Jr. High but she has lots of friends that live in the neighborhood her mom lives in and honestly their mom is the one who has official custedy of them and she should really be going to schools over there…

I know it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that Autumn got all these little brothers and a sister she didn’t ask for.  It isn’t fair her room got over taken. It isn’t fair that she has to live on the sofa. It isn’t fair, to her way of thinking, she has to earn her computer time. It isn’t fair about a lot of things.  It isn’t fair that her mother was the one who broke up the family, took Kenzie away when she was Skye’s age and never let Autumn really live under the same roof with her dad.  It isn’t fair that mother of theirs won’t let Larry do more.  Anything we try to do good for the girls she undoes just because.  It ish’t fair that that mother is the reason the girls aren’t happy.

Life is not fair.

I feel stuck because I’m balancing on the blade of a sharp problem.  On one hand I have to provide and step up for the girls and try to be a constent in their lives like I have been doing for the past seven years.  I’ve known Autumn sense she was five going on six.  She thinks of me as her mom just like I think of her as a daughter.  Kenzie sees me as a step mom more like a big sister sor of person and that’s cool 🙂 I love the girls and will step up and be there for them and provide. but I can only do so much and I do have Skye and Benjamin to think of.  I feel guilty if I do something that the toddlers need that might take away from the girls.

I feel bad we don’t have the ability to give Autumn all she wants and I hope us moving isn’t going to be hard on her.  Larry says I shouldn’t worry because Autumn is old enough to undrstand and when she’s old enough to know it all, to see how her mom is Larry says she won’t hold anything on us…

I know that for the good of our little family, Skye and Benjamin this move is for the best.  They don’t have any family here and I don’t have the suports in place to be the best mom I could be as I will down there.  Things are hard but such is life.

and you gotta learn that. Besides that it isn’t like Autumn is the only kid who has it like this.  We are trying our best to make it good on her to make her happy.  She wants to move with us and personally I’d be happy to have her but that mother won’t let her. We aren’t even sure she’ll let Kenzie who is about to turn 17…  We are trying to get my granny’s house so we can add bedrooms on so everyone has enough room. But we can only do so much and when you deal with step families broken homes it just doesn’t seem like a win win thing and that isn’t fair but what can you do?

I feel sad for the girls. Oh they frustrate me to bits and I rant and rant about it at times okay a lot.  It is hard being a step mom and ballancing the toddlers’ needs and thei needs.  I don’t want to pull favorites and I dont have faorites.  I tell the girls this all the time. I don’t have favorites you are all the same to me. bu I feel like sometimes it looks like it… And I don’t know what to do.  I guess do what I can. Oh and do you want to know what is really bad?  I don’t play favorites but their grandmother, their mom’s mom sure does.  Kenzie is the favorite and that grandma does nothing to hide it. She’s the first born and blah blah blah Autumn is second favorite but that isn’t saying much the younger you are the less avorite you are.

My sister was the avorite. My dad as much as said it at her funeral. I know being not the favorite feels bad…  Some stuff I try to do with Autumn that I don’t do much with the other kids is I show her how to bake stuff and how to do some cooking.  I’m trying to teach her life skills like cleaning and making good choices.  I might seem tough like a bitch but she is a lot like me and I don’t want her having the time I did having trouble with stuff…  I hope she can see this one day.  I hope I’m not failing…