Labor Day = RANT you can skip if you want.

Well tomorrow is Labor Day. Kal is off and he was planning on taking all of us to Amicola State park.

I don’t want to go even though I know the water will make me feel better. I want some time to just myself. I have not had that since August 2003 when Kal was in Hawaii for work for two weeks. The day he got back I concieved Autumn and was forever never by my self again.

Now my life (especially since this last accident July 11) has been sitting at home except for weekends when I and everyone else gets to pile in my FIL’s car *Kal takes it to work during the week* and go to Wal-Mart. WOO HOO. Exciting! My life is one big grocery store and house cleaning.

I know my husband loves me. I know my daughter loves me. I think my FIL loves me. I know he loves his son but I feel he thinks I am the woman who took his son from him. I know he loves his grand daughter with all his heart and he helps by playing with her a lot but his heart is bad and I feel guilty and sad she prefers him *and her dad* over me. She will ignore me totally if either of them are in the room.

Anyway back to the ME thing. I was told that I would be given a certain amount of money out of the sale of the house for back birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day, and Anniversary presents…. but as we all know the sale of the house was not what we had hoped it would have been. We had to practically give it away === over 24k less than our original asking price just to get out of the $800 a month house payment. I know too much info for me to probably be giving out. Kal yells at me all the time for telling too much, but you know what, I don’t care right now.

This is about ME. About how I have been super ANGRY and having Anxiety like you won’t believe (My psych increased my clanasapam to 2mg pills three times a day). I think I have been misdiagnosed with Bipolar and the meds are making things worse. VERY WORSE.

I went to Daytona a week ago and saw my mommy and daddy (yea) and my psych and my neuro. Both only spent about 15 minutes with me total. That is all. I also got to pee in a cup to do a drug test for my neuro… who-hoo. At least I didn’t get any on my hands.

Anyway, 15 minutes out of 6 months is not enough to tell if meds are working or not… I love my psych but I need more. I need to find out what my real issues are, why I am angry, why I feel like I lost myself somewhere, why I feel alone even in a house with three other people, why I keep crying, and why I can’t be happy for more than 10 minutes at a time. Why do I feel like a failure as a mom and wife? Why do I feel like a failure as a friend, not only to those who I have had long notes back and forth to, but to everyone? Even to myself?

Why do I just want to run away? Let everyone else deal with things. I am tired of being told how I am doing things wrong in a round about way, tired of being talked back to by my own daughter, tired of everything.

I see the Lumpkin Department of Mental Health on Wednesday the 12th. I start Physical Therapy (has to do with the accident this past July 11) on Tuesday the 4th twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursday’s. I have to figure out how I am going to get down to Cumming for an EMG on my left arm on the 11th at 8 am and be back at the house so Dial a ride can pick me up at 12:30 for my PT appt at 1.

I have had to deal with the car insurance people of the guy who hit us on July 11 and we still have no check for our car. They have our wrecked car – the keys-and a copy of the title but we still have no check.

We turned the rental in a week or two ago and now the rental company wants to close the account – they asked the other guys insurance to direct bill them and they told him they were going to refuse to pay any portion of the rental. They told me they would pay until we received their intent letter *which we did on July 25) so in other words WE have to pay the whole freakin thing which is over 1,5k and we don’t have it. Rental company won’t call me back to work with me.

I have to call the attorney for this accident and have him talk to me like I am stupid. Excuse me but I have had at least 4 attorneys in my life so far… don’t you dare treat me like I am 5 years old.

I have had to call my disability attorney and get a run around from them,

I have had to be the one to call Windstream every other day to try to get us faster internet…. and when I threatened to keep calling and asking for supervisors until I reached the company president… I finally got some service.

I am the one who has to do these things. Now — not only for me and my husband, but for my FIL too. Yes you heard right, I now have to call his cardiologist and let them know he is up here visiting us and could they please call a script in to him to our pharmacy. I had to turn his electric off at his house, AND his phone,

Now I get to hear him complain about things under his breath like I cannot hear him.

I cannot wait to get the basement finished off…. please let his inheritance come in—please, so we can move him downstairs…. PLEASE.

I will probably have to go with them tomorrow morning. I don’t want to. I want to have some time to myself, such that it is. The whole day will be spent cleaning the stupid house and washing laundry, joy or joy for me tomorrow. I try to do some each day… but it is a disaster right now with my daughter’s toys all over the place — not to mention her room that I had JUST cleaned. She, FIL and her daddy tore it apart. And instead of making her clean it up they just left it…. Blocks all over the floor that I tripped over and just about killed myself etc. — all bathrooms are disgusting again after only two days. The kitchen is a mess — no one can rinse and put dishes in the dishwasher — too hard I guess.

There are only four things that I want in life right now

1) is a real date with my husband where we go to a nice restaurant to eat and maybe have a movie or go for a moonlight walk in a nice park with a fountain and benches.

2) is a about 3 or 4 days all to myself at a spa or hotel room. no phone calls or emails from my live in family. JUST TIME TO MYSELF

3) To receive somewhere between 60K and 400mil tax free dollars to spend any way I want. Any way I want. Not anyone else but ME only ME. No one demanding I get lightning detectors or ham radios or Barbie cars or ballerina tutus or stuff for the house or anything like that. Money I can have to spend the way I want to. I want to spend it ON ME and not on anything to share with anyone else. And I don’t want to buy clothes. (Yes, I know I got my nose pierced. It is my mid life crisis I guess. The place was pretty cheap and I figured why not. It will be my only other piercing besides my two ear holes and my belly button. Not that I show that to anyone being the big fat slob that I am)

4) To be able to finish watching a show I started to watch before anyone walked into the BEDROOM with out having to move to another room to finish the stupid thing. I mean isn’t that why we got direct TV boxes in more than one room of the house???

5) have a room in this house all to myself. With my things, my toys, my craft stuff. Someplace I don’t have to share. Autumn has her room. FIL has his room and soon to be apartment, his room with be our office, I get what, the laundry room? I still have to share it with FIL.

6) I want to loose at least 80 lbs and be thin and be able to belly dance. Loosing the weight should help my back muscles to support myself so the torn disk doesn’t get worse and the strengthening muscles should help with my over all health. Not sure how I will do this though. I have given up regular Coka~Cola though. Very hard for me to do but I can do it.

I am in a very selfish mood right now. I am in a very angry and selfish mood. Is this normal? Am I entitled to feel this way? I am not always like this. Why now… why this whole week? My period is not due for at least another two weeks so that can’t be the excuse,

If Kal reads this – honey don’t take it personal. It is a mood, a feeling; it does not mean I love you less, I actually love you more than I did the day I married you. . There is a reason for this and I need to find out what it is. I may never know until I am gone to the pearly gates or I may know in a few weeks. I can only hope that this feeling passes soon though. Not that anyone would get hurt but I may destroy a few dishes along the way……..

All items © 2005 CAMElias/Dakk O’ta unless otherwise noted.