December 9, 2002

This is my first entry, so please bear with me. There’s a lot of things we need to get straight.

 

My name is Megan and I’m 17. I’m a senior in high school, and I’m desperately wanting to escape. I want to graduate as soon as possible and begin a life of my own. By the time I’m 20, I would like be a sophomore in college majoring in Elementary Education at Wright State University. I would like to be engaged or married to the man I will spend the rest of my life with, and be living with him in our own house or apartment. I would actually still like to continue with my employment at Wal-Mart. I have been working there for a little more than a year now, and I have a family there.

 

Speaking of family, I don’t have a great life at home, which is why I want to get out and start my own. When I was 11, my mom married a man who thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread, and since this arrogance is often genetic, his children believe the same. His children are Ryan, 13 and Tiffany, 11. My bedroom is in the basement next to Ryan’s. I would prefer to sleep in my car.

 

I frequently appear at work, and my boss believes it is simply to bother my friends and distract them. Little does she know that I am actually seeking shelter from what is supposed to be my safe haven. I have been known to come to work 1-3 times a day when I’m not working. I work 28-32 hours a week, but I’m always the first to volunteer for more. I really haven’t told anyone about this before. I’m getting closer and closer to my friend Olivia, so I think I might let her in on this secret because I don’t want her thinking that I am weird.

 

Speaking of friends, I am very dependent on my friends. I consider them the family I don’t have. Sure, my mom is great, and she really is the most important person to me, if I lost her, I would take my own life. When two people marry, however, they tend to not be too far from each other at all times. Since my stepdad and I cannot seem to get along, I tend to distance myself from my mother too. Anyway, I realized my incredible dependence on my friends during a trip to the University of Cincinnati. I took two of my friends along with me, Heather and Nicole. When I thought of leaving them behind next fall to attend college, I began shaking so bad that I turned my car around and we went to the mall instead. That night, I cried myself to sleep because although I cannot leave, others can. Short list:

 

*Carly left for OSU in September

*Emily left last week for another job

*Jessica left yesterday for basic training in Texas

*Olivia leaves in April for Michigan

*Josh leaves in June for Missouri

 

Soon enough, all of my friends will be gone, and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Carly’s leaving hit me hard, as I had grown to be great friends with her after meeting her at work. Jessica’s is just now hitting because I thought she was leaving tomorrow, but she’s already gone and I didn’t get a chance to tell her goodbye. Olivia has become the next one that I’m getting too attached to before she leaves. Although I know I can prevent this by not being around her so much, she is a really great person and I absolutely love being around her! She’s so open minded and she laughs at everything I say; honestly, her friendship is the best thing to happen to me in a while. She’s such a great friend, because unlike my other friends, she has yet to stab me in the back or do something equally horrible. I do have friends that are capable of being great people, Heather and Nicole are examples of this. The only bad thing about them is that they aren’t always in a good mood. Often, I will come into work and one of them will be upset about something, and that kind of irritates me, especially when they won’t say what’s wrong. Olivia, however, is always in a great mood. Even when she had a migraine, she kept her spirits up. We have so much in common, I can’t help but be drawn to her. She’s just one of those people you want to be around. I fear letting her know this though, because we’ve just recently started hanging out. In fact, she thought I hated her because I thought she was someone else (she looks like this girl from school whom I’m not fond of), and I kept giving her the evil eye. I found out that she’s really great when I was telling jokes in the break room and she laughed at every single one of them, even the bad ones. So, I don’t want to freak her out or anything because I’ve become so attached to her so fast.

 

On to the next topic: My dependence upon my friends. No matter what happens at home, I know I can depend on my friends to be there for me. One of the reasons I don’t get along well with my stepdad is that I have trust issues. He has not shown anything to allow me to trust him yet, and until he does, I’m going to be wary of him. So, when I meet someone new, I look for a friend in them. Once they extend the bridge of friendship, I cross cautiously. Once the bridge doesn’t collapse beneath me, I set up camp. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but it seems like I try too hard to be a friend. I’ve recently started a hobby of giving Hallmark cards (or their Wal-Mart equivalents)to my friends for any or no reason whatsoever. When I got drunk at my party and Heather stayed until 4:00am talking to me about stuff, I gave her a thank you card. When Olivia’s aunt died, I got her a sympathy card. When Olivia fell off a ladder in layaway (today actually), I got her a get well card. When Nicole didn’t get a card, I got her one for no reason whatsoever. My reasoning behind them is that it took me 5 minutes and $2.50 to get the card and fill it out, but it’s a physical reminder that I care about them.

 

Well, my stepdad and I are in the midst of yet another fight, and I’m not even supposed to be here (he said that he didn’t want to look at me), and he just got home. The first thing he said? "Tell her get offline and get out of here. I’ve been trying to call for hours now and I hate not being able to get through to my own house." Sometimes I think it would be better if I went away, far far away and never came back.