if our love is tragedy

well, fuck.

I can’t seem to get over boy. There’s this emotional morass thingy in my mind that I can’t seem to transcend. it’s really starting to make me very uncomfortable – It’s been a couple of years – I should be able to separate myself from him somewhat, but I can’t. I still love him. I’m just in a really shitty situation about it.

but other than that, things have been going very well. Kevin flew out for a week, and we took lots of pictures and did lots of vacation-ey things, so that’s good. we went out for food that he hadn’t ever tried before. it was interesting to have him out here, because he’s just as awesome as before. I really want him to move out here and start to follow his dreams, because I think that michigan is slowly choking his hope away. it makes me really sad.

anyway, last night, this song – clarity by zedd – it made me lose it. like, literally fucking lose it – I was on the ground, on my knees, bawling into my hands – loud. I walked the streets of portland, and bathed the night cityscape in my tears and sadness. it was incredibly cathartic – I stopped hating myself about it, stopped judging myself. I acknowledged the gravity of the feelings I was having. I’m straight up fucking heartbroken. soul void of hope and love. an emotional pain so deep I can’t possibly convey to anyone. a sickening hope that things will change – thus wiping the slate clean, and allowing for the realization that the inevitable separation will happen, allowing for a clean, unblemished incision deep into my heart. over and over again. pain – unspeakable emotional pain, and then tears, and muffled cries, and frenzied confusion. Trains of thought barreling – careening into each other, few conclusive ideations. At least I decided to not berate myself over being so weak, or having these sentiments, or feeling them completely, or not having got over him two fucking years ago, or whatever.

and I have this ache – this ache, that intensifies with the slightest, random memory, thinking of the valentines card with two cowboys on it – the mason jar filled with kisses and affirmations. and the tears come again – an onslaught – an impromptu swarm of regret and desperate wanting to deny reality. oblivion would be very comfortable comparatively. but I can’t do that anymore. I don’t have the fucking time to just jack off all over my introspection vice.

you are the piece of me, I wish I didn’t need.
chasing relentlessly, I still fight and I don’t know why.
if our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
if our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?

ugggh.