just like my violins

Well…

I managed to get my philosophy paper done. This is a big deal, because it marks the first completed semester of school EVER without stimulants, and I passed all of my classes. The self-definition that is occuring at this point in my life is greater than what I had imagined I’d be able to do. I’m actually starting to get an inkling of self-esteem. So, The day the final paper was due, I had a bad experience with nyquil the night before, so I was all exhausted and agitated. I was going to write it in a short amount of time, but I had a panic attack right before. I did what I was supposed to – I reached out and asked others for help. I got the suggestion to ask the teach for more time, and I did. And he gave me more time.

Needless to say, I procrastinated until the almost absolute last minute. It was a big symbolic thing in my life, which explains the great amount of trepidation I had about it. but it’s done. and I’m done with my first semester….

I’m still making progress. I’m amazed – I thought that there wouldn’t be any more progress to be had. But the world is getting bigger and bigger, and I”m getting smaller and smaller, and it’s really wierd. I made curry with Nathaniel and Dan a few nights ago, and I did it all myself (for the most part). This was so good. I cooked shrimp for the first time in my entire life. It was actually pretty good. I’m moving forward and evolving.

I also signed up for a motorcycle training class. I helped Grant do some mechanical stuff with the NINJA today, and…

Just thinking about it brings me to tears of gratitude. I’m so lucky to have people that care about me. If I didn’t have those people in my life, I’d be nothing. I wouldn’t exist – and this is on a very real, but also quite theoretical plane. without a mirror to reflect off of, I don’t know that I exist. I’m so fucking lucky to have all the people in my life. My landlord, Dan – despite his failings, he’s actually been really good to me. I am super thankful he took a second chance on me. Travis, for actually being a relationship with someone my own age that is pretty damn good. Greg, for always just being a bastard. Nathaniel and Grant for being instrumental in developing my habits and self-esteem. Keri, for helping me with these food quests. My sponsor for just being there for me.

I am so blessed to be around all of these marvelous, functional, people who have my best interests at heart – truly!

I also worked today, and got to explore the mechanics of my motorcycle with a father-figure that isn’t so volatile-ly aggressive. I’m really starting to look up to Grant… I do a lot of stuff that I would have with my Dad, if my Dad didn’t have anger issues. Anyway, it’s really nice to be able to learn about the workings of the machine that will be transporting me around. Whenever I used to own cars, I would always just assume that the mechanical aspect was something that I’d never understand – or care to, for that matter.

I’d like to make a cozy place where I can read books… I think I’m going to try to start reading. I think that’d be a good idea.

anyway.

J-