losing it.

I don’t know if I’m gonna send these to you anymore… I kind of get the vibe that I’m overstepping my boundaries – although that sentiment is probably self-imposed because of the fact that I have an insecure attachment style.

I’m getting unhealthily crazy lately.

I seem to have developed an abusive relationship with NyQuil, and I’m seeming to have some indecipherable anxiety attacks surrounding this one particular philosophy paper that I have yet to write. It was my final, and I couldn’t do it.

The night before my health psych final, so, sunday night, I managed to down 2 and a half bottles of nyquil over the course of the evening. I didn’t get any sleep, however. And I did have the opportunity of taking my Health Psych final that day. On no sleep, and nyquilled up. I got a 66%. I still passed the course, thank goodness. Additionally, afterwards, I was supposed to have written a philosophy paper on the ethics of licensing parents. I couldn’t do it, and subsequently emailed my professor asking for more time, and name dropping quest.

I reached out to my support group, and told my sponsor, and grant, and nathaniel about it. They were all concerned.

Like, really concerned, I think. I dunno. I just feel like I’m fucking it up. Like I’m on the edge of throwing everything away, and I can’t quite get that gift of desperation to stop the nyquil. And this is such a fucking trivial issue, that I can’t quite get over how ludicrous it is. I mean, it’s fucking nyquil…

anyway.

I talked with grant and my sponsor tonight, and let them know that I was emotionally scattered to fuck-it-ville. I don’t know what I’m gonna do… I talked with Grant, and he’s been a beacon of sanity for me, and I’m really grateful that he’s in my life and that he deems me worthy of his time. I’m fortunate to have my sponsor, although I don’t quite know how to interpret him. He’s kind of laissez-faire, and I suspect that he has some type of autism spectrum disorder, however mild. I am super grateful for Nathaniel. I mean, like really really grateful for him – he’s such a good influence on me, and I can literally hear my heart sigh with relief whenever I’m with him. I’m so lucky to have him in my life. I love that we work out together, and that he’s always nice to me, and that he only wants the best for me. I’m super lucky that all of these people in my life want nothing but the best for me. I’m so lucky.

I talked with Grant, and we came up with a plan – he said that I was obviously self-medicating, and he suspected that it originated from an inability to sleep. I think that’s somewhat accurate, and I am going to take it upon myself to interact with the Nurse Health Practitioner there at quest, and if that doesn’t prove fruitful, I think I’ll go to SHAC – the student health and counseling center at PSU. If I’m gonna be a student, I might as well take advantage of the fucking services offered to me.

interpret as you will.

everything will be okay. maybe.

J-