write write write

Well, it’s interesting that I’m still writing. I am pretty surprised at how many life changes I’ve made and sustained. I’m so grateful. I’ve come so far from where I was, that I look at my life then and my life now, and I can hardly reconcile the differences between the two of them. I mean, really, the only thing linking those lives are meetings, and like… My body. My mind is completely different. The way that I interpret reality has fundamentally changed, and I like it. My diet is still in transit, but I DO eat breakfast still (I recently went grocery shopping, and immediately after making the purchases, I downed two kit-kat bars as positive reinforcement. The funny thing about that was that after I ate ’em, I realized that every time I eat candy in my room doing nothing, I’m reinforcing doing nothing LOL. Silly behaviorism)

I saw Mike at Tightrope about a week ago. It was good to see him doing well. I hope he doesn’t fuck everything up.

I had been texting Dennis to get Nathaniel’s book back, and he hadn’t been responding. I was concerned – because I didn’t want to admit that he was avoiding me. He finally got back to me saying that his phone screen was cracked (I wonder how), and that he unfriended me for not telling him that Bill had died. What an asshole. Punish me for not telling him that someone he “cared” about had died. What a fucking immature prick.

Anyway, not my life – My life shows a good trajectory. I’ve been getting such good consensus and feedback for where my life is headed, that it’s refreshing. I like how much good there is in my life. I’m amazed that there’s so much of it, even now.

I’m getting pretty good grades in school. Not as good as I’d like, but still, objectively good. This is great, and I know that I beat a dead horse every time that I mention it, but I don’t give a fuck. This is a very important development, and to not viscerally and mentally experience it fully would be a travesty of life. This is Good, because I’ve managed to adopt some MORE changes and habits. I think I’ve really only gained one thing – the ability to change and grow. That’s how all of these other changes are coming into being. It all stems from this one thing, I think. Anyway, back to school. Yes, I’ve been doing pretty good in school – enough for me to not be freaking out about failing and whatnot. And enough to be PROUD of what I’ve accomplished, and also just enough that there’s still room for improvement. This is making me very happy – that I’m not getting it all right away – because there is always so much more to get, I’m just fine with the pace that I’ve established thus far. I have also just recently started to go to the gym with Nathaniel more consistently, which is bringing me much chemical satisfaction and also much retrospective and self-satisfied satisfaction. I <3 working out, and I think that the more I go to the gym, the more I will solidify that belief in my own worldview.

I’m fucking changing the intrinsic fundamental aspects of my perception and interpretation of reality which is causally linked to all of these seemingly out-of-character behaviors. It’s seemingly all I can talk about, but it’s quite astounding. I look at my hands and stuff when I’m performing certain tasks, and also looking at my behavior in retrospect with such incredulity that I can hardly believe that I’m doing those things. Also, my self-esteem is subsequently improving – because I’m doing ‘estimable’ acts. Or something like that.

It’s marvelous.

I am also starting to form a resentment against my landlord for petty almost arbitrary reasons. I’m not sure where this stems from. I’m probably going to talk to my sponsor about it to figure out if the resentments are legitimate, at which point I’m going to have to analyze what, if anything, there is I can do about ’em. and then if they’re not legitimate, I’ll have to figure out how to peacefully dissolve the psychic energy I’ve invested into them. God, this whole, psychological maturation thing is convoluted and difficult. No, actually, it’s pretty simple and easy. I’m glad for that, because if it was harder, I don’t think I’d have come this far.

I’m out.