Bill’s service thingy is tomorrow

and I am a fucking mess about it.

I’m so glad that my definition of mess is what I am right now as opposed to what it was when I was using. My definition of mess when I was using was way worse than it is now. Like, orders of fucking magnitude, yo… Orders of Orders of fucking magnitude.

I’m all feeling things and it’s hard to deal with them. I really want to tune out, and the people’s laughter outside of bars seems louder and more jovial than usual. The bottles seem shinier, the locales posher and the teeth whiter. This is generally a bad place for me to be in psychologically, because I’m at great risk from my addict’s logic, if you can even call it that.

I talked with someone else today who is having the same transmutation of addictive behaviors that I am, and he mentioned how he refers to his inner addict as ‘rocky’ – that being a boulder that just rolls down a hill when it is pushed. I asked him if this could be referred to as some type of behavioral inertia or momentum, and he said that that was a good way to explain it. I related with what he said because I am going through a lot of the same things.

I have a new roommate who is NOT the recovery person who applied today. I am disappointed by this. I got a new desk chair from Silas, which is super comfortable (I think, I’ve never actually sat in it,) and he also offered me his desk. I’m moving up in the world materially, even if my money habits are a bit bunk.

Things will stabilize soon. And I hope sooner rather than later.

J-