I kind of have no idea what I’m doing.

Well, Today has been interesting.

I fell asleep at around 8am. I woke up around 1pm. I skipped my health psych class, which is a little disconcerting, especially since the class seems to be quite textbook, and a little dry. It’s like rehab, if rehab had an anatomy component. Which I guess is alright. The test is on friday, and I’ve skipped a fair number of classes, so I hope that the review that she gives is comprehensive enough for me to munch on and then get an A on the test. Also, I have a test in Philosophy on wednesday, which I am a little concerned about as well, since I haven’t exactly been super diligent about the reading. Actually I’ve barely read anything that was assigned… I got a b+ on the last test I took, so I think that bodes well. I’m going to read everything that we were supposed to have read tomorrow, because I have decided that I have JUST enough time to study for everything and end the semester with As in all my classes.

I mean, I fucking just read the reading for my BA class the day before lecture, and that’s un-fucking-precedented. I mean, it’s what was suggested of me, so I suppose that’s some humility right there? I dunno… I just don’t want to barely pass my classes. I think I can do better than just passing, and I’m doing my best, I suppose. It’s hard to be doing all of this stuff!

I’m not trying to bitch, but it’s been really really hard… And completely easy at the same time, but let’s focus on the validity of my feelings and not the triviality of emotion in general.

So, This semester, I signed up for a class I’ve taken before, which I got the ‘white light’ in, in regards to my drug addiction thingy. I’m taking a philosophy class which I hated because of the thick air of pretense surrounding it, and I’m taking a health psychology class, which is basically a drier rehab. I lived with an ‘ex-program’ person, and his fucking joke of a boyfriend while they were drifting into chemical oblivion and maintained my sobriety. I moved, which is in and of itself stressful, but I also did it while I was in school. All of this is on top of me Quitting smoking, Quitting drinking, Quitting speed, Starting an exercise routine, maintaining some semblance of normal menial task completion, and even, dare I say it? — a modicum of proactive behaviors such as filing my fafsa for next year, filing my taxes early, paying bills BEFORE THE ABSOLUTE LAST DAY POSSIBLE, and registering for classes for next semester.

This is really hard! This is really stressful, and I have no FUCKING idea what I’m doing… I don’t have any guidebook, and I’ve been having to write my own rules as I go, and that’s scary and new and really overwhelming at times! I mean, I can honestly say that I am doing my best every day. Oh god, it feels good to say that…

I’ve been really emotionally scattered lately, and I can’t quite pinpoint the origin of my off-balance-ness. I haven’t taken my antidepressant in a few days, and I think that might be a cause of it. I dunno, I’ve just been kind of reeling from the profundity of life and also abjectly terrified at the ‘disease’ I have inside of myself that happens to be in remission. I’m scared of relapsing and fucking everything up that I’ve made. I’m also incredibly happy.

I’m just full of emotion lately, and meetings are starting to shift in nature. I’m just kind of walking forward and watching the landscape change. I’m going to be okay… as long as I stay sober. Sobriety is the key.

besides, if I drink, I get kicked out, remember?

Silly boy.

J-