the a-team

I am doing okay… It feels good to write. This is a good way to be accountable. I don’t really know to who, but I feel like this is some ghostly catharsis and it’s a perfect example of that kind of intangible essence of living that I crave somehow very innately.

I passed 8 months. This was the longest amount of time I have ever had. I passed it. I’m now in uncharted territory, and it’s terrifying and awesome and everything I didn’t know it would be. This is so remarkable that I can’t even really convey it to anyone. Things are so hunky-dory that I don’t know how anyone can be upset. I think my brain chemistry is finally starting to become normal. I like sleeping and eating is fun too. Exercise is hard, but I’m somehow doing it, and the overall level of “HOLY SHIT I”M FUCKED” has dwindled to almost nothing. It’s strange and something I haven’t experienced since the last time I had some sobriety. I feel really good about what I’m doing and what I’m going through.

I have stopped yelling at myself. Well, I really shouldn’t say that I’ve stopped entirely, but it’s probably a bigger priority now than it ever was before, which is strange to say. I didn’t think that this would be such a large part of my sobriety, but I think I’ve figured out that I won’t like… DO anything if all I have to look forward to was self-beration. I feel very infantile and child-like. my ego is very fragile, and I kind of like that. I really like being genuine and sensitive. It makes the people I surround myself with a certain kind of people, and I like those people. And competition sucks ass.

I’ve got a lot of things that I’d like to improve yes, but I’m starting to realize that if I want to be happy, I have to [be happy] about what I’ve already accomplished! It’s really nice to congratulate myself and pat myself on the back so often. I’m not gonna entertain the idea that I’m doing it too much, because there haven’t been any negative consequences to doing it yet, so there =P. I really feel good lately. Feeling really good.

I don’t think I’d like things to be any different… I recognize that things are how they are for a reason, and that it’s a process to improve them. I’m going to make the effort to change and become who I want to be, but I also have a healthy recognition that it’s going to take some time. Diligence is also an aspect that I’m going to have to cultivate. I’ve read that willpower can actually be trained with time, so I’m going to toy with that a little. =) This is nice.

This is really nice. I’m very happy about everything in my life at this point. I should call my dad. LOL. I’m a funny creature.

I like music!

J-