moar after care

Well, I definitely need to prioritize this more.

Should, ought to, etc etc etc etc.

No! No more!
Oh-kay… (deep breath)

okay. I am slowing down…. slowing down…. ok…ok…ok……

I have been doing very well, all things considered. I have been going to class on a more consistent basis than I ever have since I came to portland, so that means that if I keep up my class attendance, I won’t fail on account of not showing up for class. This is good, because, attending class is essentially all I need to do to be able to pass tests. Since I seem to have managed to deal with that issue, I am now facing the task of homework and it’s insufferable-ness.

Heh. It’s not particularly insufferable. I just haven’t found a suitable gimmick that would provoke me into doing it. I think I’m gonna talk to my behavioral analysis teacher about it, and see what she says, since positively reinforcing myself has proven useful for actually going to class.

I bought three books that are a sort of symbolic undercurrent that I want my life to take. One is about exercise, because I think I need to exercise to feel fucking, even remotely connected to reality, and I think it also has an amazing side-effect of sort of balancing my brain chemistry, and I get to be somewhat ripped or whatever. The other one is about play, and how play is an integral part of our lives, and how it quote unquote “Invigorates the soul”. Sounds fucking intense, eh? The last one I got is called “Flow: the psychology of optimal experience”.

So basically, I’m gonna start playing raquetball, or dancing or something to play, exercise, and get into a flow state all at the same time. This will, “Invigorate the soul”, reshape my brain chemistry, and help me self-actualize all at the same time.

This is all contingent on me staying sober, of course.

Additionally, Dennis is moving soon, so *I’m* gonna be moving soon, and the way serendipity has seemed to work out, is that I’m probably going to be moving into the old place I was kicked out of before I came to quest. LOLOL. History is funny. Didn’t mark twain say that history doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme?

So, that’s kind of stressing, because it’s probably going to be a bit more money, like, a hundred dollars a month, which shouldn’t be too out there… I’m thinking it’ll probably be a good idea since it will be like things haven’t changed too much – I don’t want to fuck my school up, and moving into a familiar place might be the safest thing – I mean, if I HAVE to move, it might as well be somewhere I already know. And I’ll be close by Ross and Tyler, which might be a very good thing – who knows. It could also be very bad. I’ve been reaching out to Tyler, and he’s been kind of reaching back, so that’s good.

As far as I can tell, aside from it being a little more expensive, it might be the best possible option. Is this my “higher power’ talking to me? I don’t know, but it is with someone who knows the value of my sobriety, I know the area/district super well, my gym is within walking/biking distance, My friend Travis lives super close to there, my friends tyler and ross live like, a fucking block away from me, and I’ll be in the same fucking room as I was before. The bus is the 12, which I take for practically everything, and it’s kind of close to MCC, which is basically my homegroup. The more i think about it, the better it seems… The bad things are that my landlord has a few idiosyncrasies that I don’t like, but those might’ve been because of my drinking, he doesn’t pick up after his dog, so the yard is covered in shit (but there IS A YARD). He’s a slob. And it’s a little bit more money. My room would be bigger, and I’d have more privacy. The bathroom is about the same size, and the showerhead is worse…

Trivialities. I think the decision is made…

Here’s to moving forward in faith.

J-