Osmodic

I feel so fucking good right now. I wanna absorb the universe through the top of my head and just let all of the light from every star shine out through my smile. SUPER GOOD.

No, I am not rolling.

I went to school today. It was incredibly crazy. Not really, it was actually pretty benign, but being in my own head made it pretty freaking crazy. I mean, I woke up (almost late), and made it to my first class which I had to get a teacher signature to join. So I got the paper that I needed the teacher to sign, and folded it up, and went to class. I sat in the back, because I’m a smartass who likes to sit in the back. That’s when the class started filling up – there were people who were sitting on the floor of this amphitheatre style classroom. I noticed that I was genuinely interested in the subject matter, because a lot of what they were talking about was the same stuff that I learned at Quest. It was almost funny. I took it like the world was affirming everything I learned in rehab. Because it basically was. BUT… Anytime I looked at the late registration paper, and then thought about the people on the floor, I started to think that there was no way that I was gonna get into the class because it was going to be too full, and that I wasn’t going to be able to register for that class, and I’d only have 8 credit hours, and then my financial aid wasn’t going to go through, and that I was going to end up homeless or something catastrophic. I was catastrophizing something fierce. Something SUPER FIERCE.

It was a little bit laughable.

I managed to sit behind my eyes and watch all of these thoughts surge and race in my head. I mean, on the way to the campus, I was saying shit like ‘You’re a fucking failure, you’re just going to relapse and fuck it all up. Who are you kidding? Just give up now!’.

And then I was like ‘Holy shit! My addict is a negative asshole!’

and then I just watched myself try to do all of this negative self-talk and I just sat back and thought ‘Well, Have *I* got a long way to go with this mental health thing.”

But it was grand, because I was like, meditating the whole time, and it was incredible. INCREDIBLE.

and then afterward I went home, and took a nap, because I was cognitively exhausted. Which almost resulted in me just saying ‘fuck it’ and not going to my other class today. But I somehow managed to rally, and made it! And then afterwards, I went to conveyor-belt sushi with Nathaniel. And it was so goooooooooood!

Brad fucked up his registration, so it’s seeming like (at the moment) that he’s not gonna be going to school this term. Sad.

But, it was great, because I had this whole team of people on my side, all rooting for me and caring about me and wanting me to succeed and willing to help in any way they can/know how short of actually doing the work for me. They’ll hold my hand if I ask for it, and they’ll open the 2-liters if I can’t do it with my small hands, and they’ll pat me on the head and give me gold stars, and I get to feel good inside because I’m doing what I want and making people happy at the same time. I can’t believe that I can possibly somehow fucking HELP OTHERS THROUGH PURELY SUCCEEDING! It’s so counter-intuitive to me that it’s almost mind-boggling. But, somehow, it’s true…

BRB – laundry

Done with Laundry. I’m now counseling Tyler. This is scary.

I’m getting tired. I think I’m gonna go to bed soon.

J-