Blessings.

Christmas.

I feel gross because I just fucking GORGED on popcorn and soda. I mean literally, I feel a little sick. it’s unnerving.

However, I have had a lovely day! (overall)…

Woke up to Dennis smoking pot outside his bedroom window, which I thought was strange. He was leaning out the window, and brad was turned towards the inside of the house. I could only see his back. I said ‘Merry Christmas’ as I walked into the bathroom. I peed, and then I went back into my room, but not before I glanced into Dennis’ room. I noticed they had quickly shut the door most of the way.

I went back into my room to try to sleep for a minute longer, and I heard that whole ‘pot-smoker’s coughing’ and Dennis was taking a bath at like, 10:30 in the morning. These behaviors are kind of strange.

I just put it all together! Brad got Dennis some weed, and had the idea that Dennis could smoke some weed, and take a bath! HOLY SHIT! I’m a fucking GENIUS!. What an insidious fucker. I also recognize that I’m extrapolating quite a bit, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m observant and hypervigilant, and that’s the conclusion that I’m coming to.

Anyway, I took my shower later, and we all had cordial small talk. I left to go to Grant’s for X-mas dinner, and I was outside about to get into Nathaniel’s car. Dennis had followed me outside to go deliver something to his ex, the other meth-addicted hiv positive leech, and I said something to the effect of ‘I could get used to this having a car thing!’, all jovial like. To which Dennis replied, under his breath ‘It’s easy to get used to things when you don’t have to pay for ’em’. I asked ‘what?’, to get him to say it again in case i misheard him, but he said ‘nothing’ in response. I then indicated that I heard him correctly the first time, and he kind of sheepishly kept walking to his ex’s apt.

IT HURT MY FEELINGS!

Now, I know I’m crazy, but I handled the situation with honesty and compassion because I was sure as fuck not gonna let anyone kill my buzz on this lovely fucking holiday. I was in a great mood all day thanks to my directed efforts and removing any analysis of that interaction from my head.

I was, how do we say? Mindful.

after he said it, I started driving and then I immediately put on some music that I liked while I was driving, and started praying for him and Brad, because that’s what people tell me to do. I also acknowledged that it was all outside my hula hoop. I contacted Dennis and asked him to explain because it was fucking with my chi flow. He decided to dismiss it as nothing, which I doubt it was. However, I did all that I could, short of begging him to tell me, so that definitely allowed me to wash my hands of it.

I’m starting to think that I have a problem with Catharsis. As in, I need to do it more.

—–
a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art
b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3
: elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness andaffording it expression
———–

I’ve been fucking emotionally constipated my whole life! I need to start doing this shit! Like, actively!

Feel guilty for not having written Christmas Cards? Well, why don’t you fucking write out the Cards, and subsequently……. eliminate the complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression.

Are you filled with a joyfulness and excitement about life? Well, you could always tell other people in a tactful, chosen way as a writer would, and purge the emotion, primarily through art.

Because life IS art.

(I just found out about italics and bold, so get ready for some intense over-use of those things)

I talked to my mom on the phone and had a realization that was rather liberating. I’ve had it before, but I forget it often. Talking to her is a lot like talking to a 9 year old. She was apparently sexually traumatized around that time, and when it came to mind, it made perfect sense. She just wants me to tell her how good her drawings are, and really doesn’t yet understand that life is about other people… because she’s been using drugs I suppose to deal with the emotional pain, and has resultingly stayed at a lower emotional age.

I really liked Cort’s share tonight about how even though he wanted to age emotionally faster, he couldn’t because time was going as fast as it ever was going to go.

Sorry for the recantation of my day, but…
No, actually.

I’m not sorry. It was a lovely day, and I got to practice dissolving my mental ‘assets gone awry’.

Truly lovely day.
Truly.

J-