First Holiday…

Yesterday was actually not so difficult. It’s today that I’m hurting.

I just keep thinking bad things. I mean really bad things. Stuff I shouldn’t be thinking. People I wish it would have been. Scratch that. Person I wish it would have been instead of my Mom and it’s horrible and terrible that I’m thinking that. I keep shaking my head trying to make myself stop thinking it but it just doesn’t go away.

I’m just feeling very broken and abandoned today. I miss my Mom so much. Julia and Dad keep talking about putting up our Christmas tree and I just want to scream “Fuck the Christmas Tree.” I don’t want to think about Christmas. I don’t want to think about another holiday without my Mom. I don’t want to go through another day without her. I need her here to talk to. I need to be able to talk to her about dating and be able to tell her about Adam. She would have gotten a kick out of the end of our first date.

I need to be able to talk to her about Julia and the fact that Julia isn’t telling me everything like she used to. She’s kissed a boy. She didn’t even tell me. We tell each other everything and it hurt to find that out (and worse that I found out through her fan fiction…) I also think she might be smoking and I don’t know how to handle these things. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t leave it up to my father because he’s one of those YELL FIRST, FORGIVE LATER people. He’ll blow everything out of proportion and it’ll just drive her further away from me. I need my Mom.

It’s really hard to be thankful for anything when I’m missing my Mom so much it’s hard to breathe.

I need to go. Maybe sleep will help. Or maybe I should watch some Gene Kelly.

I hope everyone had a very Happy Thanksgiving.

*hugs all around*