Inhale Exhale

I have a little time now to sit down. I’m making myself sit down. I need to tell you.This past year, to say the least, sucked.

My best friend and I had a falling out last XMas and she moved to SC. We have worked to mend things, and for the most part we are still friends tho we don’t ever get to see each other. Her relationship and job prevent her from visiting me, and since her boyfriend hates me, I don’t go down to see her. After spending nearly 3 years of hanging out with just her, I found myself struggling to make or re-new friendships. People are busy and have jobs and family. I don’t work so when I’m available they arent. So I have felt very lonely and alone.

I was seldom escorting, a few here and there but was moving out of it. I had rekindled somewhat of a FWB arrangement with my ex Ed and he was giving me spending money so I didnt have to escort and was able to maintain some spending money in my pocket. He was unable to do that anymore but we have remained close tho we don’t get to see each other very often. I have not persued any relationships because I have just not felt like being close to anyone.

In September, I was arrested on 4 counts of solicitation/prostitution. My life turned upside down…I had to tell my husband and mother obviously what I had been doing, since the cops showed up at my house with a search warrant and confiscated my laptop and home PC. I voluntarily turned myself into the station so that I could have some sort of dignity to not have it done at home in front of my children. The booking process was dehumanizing. I hired a lawyer to defend me because the police were coming down very hard on me. The court process is horrible, having to stand up in front of people so that they can say "prostitute" as loud as they can so that all eyes were upon me. The investigating officer and the DA wanted to throw the book at me, and while some of you may feel that I totally deserved this, I can tell you whole-heartedly that having my life violated as it was in front of my family and my personal life inspected without my knowledge was punishment enough.

The end result is that my lawyer was able to ask fr a prayer for judgement, I was not convicted. The court was very stern about that if I ever was to do this again, I was be arrested as a felon. Through the whole terrible process I had to tell myself that it was a misdemeanor, but with the way they were treating me you would have thought that I was a child molestor.

I am giving you the fast-food version here since it is so painful to re-tell the story, but that is it in a nutshell. My husband never brought it up again after the night I told him and he’s been acting normal. Our marriage has never changed over the years, it is still the same being that he still pays no attention to me and this year alone has only touched me twice (before all this happend). He may  have understood that I was seeking attention since he gives me none…I dont know.

I have fallen into a deeper depression and struggle to get out of bed daily. I am back in counseling trying to work on all of this. The death of my alternate life of "Lauren" and that lifestyle for 3 years has been a difficult shift. Feeling like I am being watched for everything I do and every phonecall I make has made me very skiddish even tho I no longer do what they perceived as illegal. I am somewhat bitter that the law can tell me what I am allowed to do with my own body. I am sorry for the people I have hurt, but I am not sorry for what I was doing…I never at any point felt that two consenting adults deciding what to do in private was wrong.

I live in the bible belt and a very conservative area. They came down on me hard and the investigator expressed her personal Christian belief that she felt what I did was wrong.

So now, just trying to get my life back, trying to find something else to do. I am so lonely it kills me. Im grateful my husband didnt throw me out. My boys don’t know what happend and they are fine. My mother constantly watches what I do. I guess I deserve that, but I’m 40 years old.

I had a blast while it lasted, the most fun Ive ever had. Now its done.