Somewhere Along the Way

I lost interest. I don’t know why. But it was more than just with writing, it was with all things. I lost interest in love, with things that made me happy for atleast a time, I lost how to express myself and my life here. In years past, I thought it was because even on medication, I still struggle with depression. I talk to myself and think, "Im trying..I’m trying…" Trying to be happy, trying to feel and give love, it’s just not working.

I don’t know where to start, so always when I have this problem of where to start, I’ll just start typing and see where it leads me. I know I have alot to catch up with you on, but that is  very difficult to fill you in on several months.

Yes, I am still escorting, just not very much. Months ago I began to lost interest in it. It’s alot of work to advertise yourself, marketing is a real thing in this business. If you don’t get your ads out there then follow up on the emails and phonecalls, it just can go dead. I let it die or atleast its in its deathrattle phase. I don’t know why to tell you the truth, because I loved it. I loved the allure, the intrigue, the seduction…the game. I loved it all. I think I did it to myself when I started seeing Robbie on a solo basis. Of course, the amount of money he was giving me to be "his" dwindled, but I enjoyed the sex with him so much, I hardly noticed that I cared. He has tried a few times to "end" it with me. God makes him feel guilty for wanting to be with me. His wife refuses to have sex with him, so he seeks me out and God makes him feel terrible for wanting me. Whatever.

so then, I let things slide with my business. Somedays I want to kickstart it again, most of the time I don’t really care.

Then….Ed came back into my life. This is the same Ed from almost 3 years ago. He left me for another girl, married her, she gained 125 pounds and he isnt interested in her sexually anymore. He has professed undying love for me (yeah, right) and that he never stopped thinking about me. I’ve spent a little bit of time with him, but he is aware that I am not in love with him, nor shall I ever be. He hurt me too much years ago that I don’t have it in me. He keeps trying. He treats me well, gives me money, buys me things…but to what end? I don’t want to ever love anyone again.

My kids…are great. Connor is almost 4 years old. He is the most loving child in the whole world…he worships his mommy and I love him with all my heart.  Sean is almost 8 years old, so so handsome and smart. He is a handful at times…my challenging child…strong willed like me and we bicker alot but I love that young man so much it hurts. He is almost as tall as I am (5ft) which is hard to take since he’s barely 8 years old!!

My marriage…still the same. He takes good care of us but I can say that he has lost interest in me…we made love a whole 4 times the entire year of 2007. I’ve asked him to go to counseling but he just won’t go. I don’t even try anymore to be with him. I think we have more of a father/daughter relationship rather than husband and wife. I’ve decided to not seek divorce. He is a great father to the kids. I dont know what else to say about that. I miss love and giving love.

It all sounds pathetic but I feel dead inside mosttimes. I know it’s got to be depression and I’m on lots of medications but I still feel like it needs to be tweeked. I’m going to a psychologist so that helps, just so I can get it out.

I should set up a few resolutions, I know…just something to work toward…like….doing more things I enjoy doing. To pursue friendships more (gwen and I aren’t friends anymore, sadly), get back into bellydancing, take better care of myself.  Write in here more so it isnt so difficult to express myself.

Ok, sounding too pathetic, I think I’ll sleep on it for now.

Night.