How did I last this long?

So God is helping me get rid of a coping mechanism that I’ve had for nearly my whole life.

In class today I started freaking out. I have so many things I have to do for school, homework, studying, working on film crews — and I’m backed up. And I want to succeed. I can’t not care about it anymore. And that’s what the coping mechanism has been — I Don’t Care. It’s not that I’m naturally carefree, it’s that I’ve reacted to the pain that comes with being irresponsible by shutting off. Forgetting. Walking away.

In class, we’re going over what a film set looks like. It is entirely complicated. And everyone’s working hard. And I don’t work that hard. And I started getting sick to my stomach, and on the walk to my car I started hyperventilating — and I wasn’t even thinking about it anymore.

For the first time in probably 18 years I was feeling the pain of not being prepared, a pain that I’ve glanced at from time to time but just walked past. I will not make it in this industry as I am.

And, my teachers can see that I am like this. It’s only been 2 weeks and in 3 of my 6 classes I’ve majorly procrastinated and the teachers — I mean I’m in film school. They have a high standard. I applied, I got accepted, only 30 of the 350 that applied got in, and I’m Wasting It, and it’s on their faces, and in their tones. And not just I’m wasting it, I’m hurting other people’s films because of it.

The pain has gotten strong enough that I can’t ignore it anymore. I’m hurting others. I am not numb to it anymore. And. I can’t believe how much it hurts, now that the reality is in me.

I was talking to my mom about it this afternoon. I asked her, genuinely, “How did I last this long?” Seriously, I don’t work, I barely make it by in most things, and I have a great job, am generally happy, and am at film school. How in the hell did I get here as much as I’ve been completely shut down and irresponsible. I’m succeeding! It’s ridiculous, and unfair.

She told me, and my mom knows me, “In your life, you never tried at anything you weren’t already good at.” And that’s it. That’s it.

I am not good at cleaning, I am not good at organizing — and this has all partly come up because of my roommates. Part of the realization came from having a roommate who confronted me about my laziness. And then, of course, getting partly fired from Cup o Soul because I wasn’t a good worker.

It’s been hitting me from all sides. School, work, relationships — and of course the way my relationship with God has been — gone, almost. Still there, but like a wife I live with but never really talk to. All freaking 4 areas of my life.

Wake up. Pain. Hurt. You see? It’s time to grow.