*Note.

(Skip this entire entry until the second to last paragraph. Just me talking to God, and I don’t edit those conversations for length.)

I don’t know what you want me to be doing right now. I feel like I’m constantly messing up. Whenever I think about her I feel like I’ve messed up. Whenever I get sad I feel like I’ve messed up. I try to follow you but I can’t do it anymore than intellectually. Follow you where? My mind feels numb. I don’t want to even try and think that there’s any hope, I don’t want to use anything as a drug to make myself feel better. I don’t know how to do this. I’m afraid to mess up and so I do nothing. I have no patience. I want healing Now. I want you to complete your purpose Now.

Patience. That’s something you want me to work on. And, I don’t know how to be content in you when I feel like this. I sometimes feel like I’m just hiding from the truth. How am I supposed to not be upset, or not focus on this? It almost feels like a form of leaving reality. Running away from the truth. I hurt. I hurt. I’m human. Content in you? Obviously not. I want to be. It seems like such a release.

I Want To Work This Out In My Mind. I want to be in control. I want to fix this. But I can’t. I’m just stuck here, with this feeling, with this hurt, with this hope that is now in the dark. This hope, this friendship which is now gone. This girl. I want to depend on you God!, I do. You’re here with me. You’re not somewhere far away.

Mourn with me, Jesus. Is it okay that I’m mourning? What am I mourning? The idea of Amber? Or Amber?

The idea? That’s all she’s become to me anyways, as she’s disappeared from my life.

There were moments today where I felt at peace about it. Where I knew you were in control. I think this mostly comes down to the fact that I have no patience, and I don’t like feeling bad.

Help me to be patient with myself.