Oh where did the week go?

Woke up with a song in my head. “Grace, grace, God’s grace, Grace that is bigger than all our sins.” I’m pretty angry this morning. There’s times when God wants me to stay in the mourning and there’s others when he wants me out of it. He wants me out of it right now.

I just want to say this: she never said she was sorry. I’m having a hard time forgiving her for hurting me like this. It’s only been a day.

I wrote her a nice letter yesterday, and before I sent it I called her. I told her I needed to say something to her. I told her the decision she made was inconsiderate of me and my feelings, and it made the last month of us hanging out seem like nothing. There was silence. I said, “are you there?” She said, “yeah. I’m going to finish my test now.” “Okay.” (I had called in the middle of an online test.) It was inconsiderate of me to do that during her test, I see now. But when I had asked her if she would call me back after her test (before I confronted her) she said “if I can.”

And I needed to say it. And now I deal with an uncertainty of whether I should have waited to tell her that.

I should have waited. I just hate making mistakes. Just, feels, like a lost cause. I know not to trust my feelings (airline pilots), but…

But that’s not my job, to make it not a lost cause. My job is to mourn, and to keep my focus on God. No more loop-de-loops of emotion. Acceptance.

Here’s the “Nice Letter” I wrote her.

“Dear Amber,

I write this letter to tell you that my pulling away will not be because all I wanted from you was a relationship, or that our friendship was solely based on a goal of that type. My goal has always been to be a good friend, to love you (in the cliche 1 Corinthians way), and to constantly try and direct you and our friendship toward the Father.

As I said a month ago, the type of closeness we’ve had is reserved for a relationship. Obviously, I must pull away now. I’m not quite sure what this friendship will look like, but I know that God is in control, and so I close my eyes as always.

It has been a pleasure getting to know you these past few months. Your friendship has truly been a gift to me from God, and has fed me in so many ways. It has helped me to grow.

Thanks for being my friend,
Jon

P.S. My intention was not to make you feel like crap on the phone. I just needed to tell you how I felt about the situation. That it hurt, and specifically why it hurts. As opposed to doing it in this letter, I guess I thought it might be better to hear me say it?

I think I needed to say it. I don’t hold it against you.

It’s a tough time of year, and I’m sorry you have to go through all of this right now. You’ll be in my prayers.”