No martyr here, just a man growing in Christ.

Wow. WOW. Talked to Amber, and over the last 3 days she got back together with her ex-boyfriend. After a period of shock after we got off the phone, I then cried a lot (for about 7 minutes), exclaiming, “What? WHAT?!” So, I talk to you now after that very healthy outburst of emotion. I don’t know how to feel about it, as their relationship was very unhealthy. I don’t know how to feel about it in the sense of the hurt it causes me, not betrayal, just…I mean, we were hanging out a lot, on the phone a lot, cuddling, then she needs some space, and here we are.

I don’t know whether to be angry or not. I mean at this moment I’m a bit, you know, disconnected. The mourning phases. Shock, anger, sadness, acceptance. I haven’t forgiven her. I don’t say that like I’m holding it against her, just that that is probably something I will have to do.

I’m confused about where our friendship goes. She still wants to be friends. I still like her as a friend, obviously. I think what really angers me is that she prefaced this on the phone with something like, “are we still gonna be friends, because in my experience guys are friends with girls until they get a boyfriend.” Fuck You. I’m sorry, like, I have feelings! I wanna fucking be your friend but, what the fuck,

You, we dated for like a month, even if you didn’t call it dating, we did, and then 2 days later you’re back with your boyfriend. I’ll be your friend. I just don’t know what that means yet.

I haven’t yet gotten to the point of being able to see this from a spiritual perspective. I could, probably, I know God’s in control. I’m just hurt. And I’m used to wallowing in it? And that’s not happening right now. I know that wallowing is not where God wants me. What does a friendship look like? With her. This is ridiculous.

I’ll close my eyes, and you lead.