A diary.

So there’s the sexual desire, which is strong and feels great, and my desire to be her friend. Oh Gosh I don’t know how to do this. We decided not to hang out today. I’ve also tried not to talk much on the phone with her. I don’t understand balance. I only understand on or off. I don’t know how to do this. What’s the truth? How do I do this?

Months ago, in the first page of a new notebook I bought for school, I wrote, “I want to pursue you, and I like Amber.” Something like that. Pursuing God comes first. And I lay my feelings for her at his feet, his feet which have holes in them. Be a good friend. I talked to her at 4:00 and it’s been 4 hours only. O lord. Please change my heart.

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why dont you just ask her out? :p

mak
March 29, 2008

Best of luck

Maybe it would help to find some other things to fill your time. So you aren’t able to think about her so much. Just a thought.

March 29, 2008

i am not an expert on the topic but i gravitate towards buddhist quotes because it contains wisdom on the idea of balance and sometimes being self-less. i know how to be self-less but i often struggle with balance of feelings, emotions, wants, needs, boundaries. i don’t so much struggle with others boundaries nowadays but i sometimes do not know how to put firm boundaries around myself. too much or too little of anything is unhealthy. and being i struggle with chemical imbalance and manic depression- i am always teetering with being off-balance. it is hard work but you can learn to separate yourself from your emotions and thoughts which can in turn change your actions or reactions. it is a challenge but you can do it. it doesn’t occur over nite. it is day by day, step by step. and it takes time and a lot of patience. i have been working on this for two years. you have to learn to objectively look within yourself and make a conscious decision to change. if you can understand your feelings/thoughts, you can learn to change the way you react to a situation. in the end this means a healthier happier more peaceful you.

March 29, 2008

in buddhism- they teach that desire is destructive. as hard as that is to hear, i think that is probably, more often than not, true. that is a struggle for me. i am a very passionate heart and soul. and passion is often derived of desire. the two feed off each other. i wish you the very best.