I want to tell you who I miss.

I miss throwing caution to the wind and begging to get hurt by girls, I miss when we watched magnolia for the third time, on pan and scan VHS and she told me to put lotion on my hands and to pluck between my eyebrows, she told me she loved me, I wanted to marry her I’m sure, just like every girl I’ve ever met and liked, but she was the first to actually like me, or more so find me mildly attractive, laugh at me, loudly, drive me around as she told me to keep quiet about her smoking cloves, as she cried and had meltdowns, and I watched and cried with her, we made out in January, after eating Burger King together where she drove us, and she told me about her break up, and we parked and cuddled and kissed. That was cool. When she smiled at me afterward it was different, we were closer. Would I still do that? I needed her, she controlled my emotions, and I loved her. I really did. Is it sad the closest I’ve ever come to an unselfish love – I did everything she wanted, it was not smart. The closest I came to true love was naïve, and it hurt me a lot because she wasn’t as close to that love. Her’s was a bit more selfish. After that, I seemed to become a mix of that martyrdom syndrome that I have, while at the same time getting what I want – I haven’t really ever gotten it yet. What is “being a man”? Being careful with your love? I don’t like that. But that’s reality. I’ve never had confidence, but when I love something and allow my actions to manifest in it, that becomes such a clearer picture of who I was, and am sometimes. I feel like a plastic straw which has been burnt at the end and is now wrinkled shut. My eyes still love.

How do you love without worshipping? How do you put it in the context of there being a God, something bigger, something worth worshipping? All these adult questions. “Life: How Not To Get Hurt”. I dreamt about her last night. I’ve changed. That’s the difference right there: I grew up thinking women were God, and when I didn’t have women, cinema was God. I know now cinema is not God, and in a way it lost a bit of it’s luster. No longer do I buy 8 DVD’s a month, nor dream of becoming wealthy and well known because of how awesome I am. I gave that dream up when I started following Jesus to where he asked me to go. My love for film has been reshaped and formed into something superior, something with truth inside of it. Women, on the other hand, I don’t know where Jesus wants me to go on that one. 🙂 Alone, Lord? I already am. It’s something in my heart that has to change. I want to follow on that one too.

In time you need to learn to love the ebb just like the flow. “Armchairs” by Andrew Bird

Grab hold of your book straps and pull like heaven, ’til gravity feels sorry for you and lets you go, as if you lacked the proper chemicals to know the way it felt the last time you let yourself fall this low.

Time’s a crooked bow.