I need silence.

I’m trying to open myself up emotionally — physically to other people. Emotionally I’m very open, as you might be able to tell, but physically I am a closed book, the exact opposite of most collegiate men. Last night I went to my old apartment to ring in the New Year. I ended up spending it cuddling with my ex-roommate/great friend’s recent ex-girlfriend. She was drunk, and coming on to everyone. James (the ex-roommate) trusted me not to take advantage of her (because he knows me and my “morals”) and at first she was just being un-subtle, licking her finger while staring at me, smiling, which made me uncomfortable — because I liked it, because I knew it was fake, because I knew I should look away and not smile back coyly, naïvely. Later she started acting a little bit more like herself, and I diverted her lusts (intoxicated) by talking about normal things: happiness, dissatisfaction, goals. James passed by, saying (also drunkenly), “I trust you, because you like God,” and I took that chance to tell this girl (who is extremely good looking and who, while I was living there, I had a severe hard time not lusting for when she was around) that I had not been doing so well lately, that I am feeling-based, and that not feeling God has been tough for me.

Over the next 2 hours, she stared into my eyes, cuddled in close, sat upon my manhood (I figure she knows men get turned on, so I really didn’t care), kissed my neck and cheeks and the area right next to my lip; and I didn’t turn toward her. She looked at me from 2 inches away, at my eyes, then my lips, and back again, and I said “I can’t kiss you” and she said “I know; but we can still look at each other.” We exchanged phone numbers, but I don’t know if I’ll ever call her. She was drunk; I know she’s probably attracted to me, truly, but I don’t know how awkward it would be. And then there’s that whole God issue.

I almost kissed her. She was close to my lips, and I awkwardly moved my face forward slowly, stopping and starting movement, and eventually went into a hug. I wouldn’t have kissed her because she was drunk, and I think kissing is a bit sacred, but the truth is it was easy for me to not kiss her, for me to not call her, because that’s my natural state. To kiss her would have been revolutionary; it would have taken effort. I’m ready for a revolution, but the morale here isn’t very high yet. Soon, though.

My step-brother was in town all week, and we got along really well. With my emotional state being so blurry and gushing, having him to talk to was a Godsend. Last night before we went to the party, I told him about how I act around women, my need to impress which makes me not me.

He said, “it seems a bit backward, but maybe you should try seeing if they impress you.” I dropped him off at the airport at 4 am, and drove home almost falling asleep, and later I dreamt of women who I dream of liking me, and I woke up at 2 pm in a stupor. I had started my year off strangely, and messily. I think too often I try to make things into streamlined movie-plots, with definite beginnings and endings, and all the information you need is provided within. I lived last night, I opened myself up a bit to the mystery and responsibility of being free, and God has not left me. He’s helping me grow up.