Pushed growth.

A woman at work today said, “do you mind if I ask a kind of personal question?” It was strange that she would ask me this, since all we do is talk about personal things. “Sure.”

“I noticed when you liked that girl, you stopped talking about God.”

I looked at her. After I thought about it, I nodded, “Yeah. I do tend to do that.”

“I was just wondering if you’d noticed that.”

I told her that after that one girl, and how it went nowhere, I just sort of stopped caring if anything worked out anymore.

That’s partly the truth, the other part is I am actually trusting in God more now.

And, also, I’m just tired of expending emotional energy on what, in my short-sighted perspective, seems to be a lost cause.

I don’t really even believe that, though, I’m pretty optimistic about the whole finding-a-mate thing, and I went running for 4-6 miles yesterday because I’m sick of being fat. I don’t really even care that losing weight will probably win me girls, because I can’t really rely on that logic, I just care about being disciplined and responsible, and being a man. I want to brush my teeth twice a day, and shower once a day. (To explain myself there, I have in the past usually only showered every other day at the most, and usually once every three days, and that is probably disgusting, and unhygienic, but I don’t really start smelling until the fourth day, you see. Let’s just forget I mentioned it.)

I’m at work, and I’ve noticed I crave food more here, I think to make up for my unhappiness while here, I want Coke all the time, and I just want to eat. My beard, also, I want to shave it. I’m sick of it, and the only reason I’ve been keeping it on lately is because I don’t want to show that I have pudge underneath it. So I’ve decided to shave it. Hopefully I’ll follow through with this, all of this. To hold myself accountable, I posted on the inside of my door (so that I can see it every morning as I leave for school or work): “Today I will be a man.” I wrote this because I think in the past I used to think, “Someday I will be a man.” I realize how corny this all is, but it’s earnest.

I had a really good day yesterday. I walked into work today at around 1 p.m., turned on the lights and the computers, and I felt unhappy. I could probably enjoy other jobs a lot more. But they pay less, and they constitute change, of which I seem to be afraid.

Seriously: did I start not liking my job because I started going on the interent during it, or did I start going on the internet because I stopped liking my job? Either way, I should probably discipline myself enough to not go on it while I’m here. Bye.