A long entry with lot’s to say.

Tonight we planned on having a movie night with my small group at the church (which used to be a movie theater) and we were going to watch “The Three Amigos!”, which I was very excited about. Without going into too much detail (because it might not be fun to read) we ended up inviting some homeless people to eat pizza and shrimp with us, watch the beginning of “The Three Amigos!” together, and then drive them out to a cheap hotel and paying for their room for 4 nights. (These homeless had, by the way, come to church tonight and had no place to go afterward, and also had a 2 year-old child with them who had bug bites all over her little face…)

So anyway, our night of pure fellowship turned into a night of service. It was very rewarding, being able to actually show the love of God to a small fraction of humanity.

I was thinking on the way home, when Bo and I used to go out and feed the homeless last year, how uncomfortable he felt with me saying “God bless you” to people. Even though I felt very corny ever saying that, and I’d usually try saying something a bit more…personal. The reason, Bo said, he didn’t like it was because first, he didn’t want to be viewed as a Christian, and second, he wanted the giving of food to these people not to be about God loving them, but about Us loving them, which is more important, he said, which is respectable. One year later I’ve realized how untruthful that is for me though, because without God’s involvement in my life, without His guiding love, I would sincerely have no wanting of helping those people. I’m sure it would make me sad, and I might talk to others about how sad it is, but just me personally, without the change God has made in me, I would not be showing love to these people through any sort of active role.

Love, kindness, patience, joy, all that fruit of the spirit stuff — it is the outcome of living a life aligned with God’s plan for you, which includes loving the unloved. There is a reason people feel so good after helping others, I’m sure you know. That’s pure. I don’t know.

I’ve just sort of been praying lately to be able to recognize God’s love for me, since I think that’s what’s gone missing. In church today our pastor (who I’ll refer to from now on as Isaac, since that is his name) was talking about the love of God being like a parent’s, which I don’t understand first because I’m not a father yet —

(and I can’t even imagine how fulfilling that will be, including the bad)

(see, I just got a glimpse as he mentioned this about how strange it will be to have something that came from me, that is literally a part of me incarnate, and imaging that, yes! yes I can imagine what God’s love is for me)

— and my father has always had such outwardly conditional love for me – well: Tonight, on my way home from the situation regarding the homeless, I stopped by my father’s. I ate some yogurt and had a Sprite, and sat down next to him on his bed, and he smiled at me and told me he loved me. And I told him I loved him too, and then he kept looking at me and told me again, and I looked at him and he proceeded to tell me how he was telling his friend about when I was little and who I am now and how proud he is of what I’ve become and of my Christianity, and as he’s saying this, I realize what’s going on, and I look at my father, and into his eyes, and I imagine it is God telling me these things, and I finally know how God feels about me, how happy He is with me, how proud He is of what I’ve become, and all of this started because He loved me in the first place. Because He decided to create me. Because He cares about me like a father about his son, watching me as I sleep, smiling as I would imagine only a father/mother can.

I Can Not Wait to be a father. Holy crap.

Anyway, almost done, God provides. God loves, and He leads us (if we follow) through growth, and sometimes there are very dry seasons, very dry; it’s in those times that your blind faith is most important, and I’m not one to speak of this since I’m so bad at it (I would suppose everyone must be) but praying without ceasing in anticipation of God’s movement in your life, I know this is a bit preachy, but that’s just how I feel, forgive me for spreading God’s love, but I am very content, I am a child of My Father.

Dear God, He loves me.

(A quote from a song sung in church today:

“Break my heart with the things that break Yours.”)