This is all a journey.

I am naked right now. Except for my cross, my ONE bracelet, and my glasses (which I’ve now taken all of those off). I stood outside in my backyard naked when I was in the 12th grade (because I wanted to see what it was like being naked outside, and I only was able to do it for like 15-20 seconds, I felt very uncomfortable). I’m naked and I’m staying naked tonight.

I masturbate because it feels pleasuable to have something sliding on my penis, factually speaking. I can actually do it now without thinking of people I know naked, or doing something sexual to me — tonight, at least, I did it purely for the feeling, how very fleeting it is. My friend and I were talking about that today, how (and this is well known, but it’s better when you come to a conclusion yourself) things aren’t as rewarding when they’re easy, and most things are easy these days. Eating, for example. It is very easy to eat, as you don’t have to grow it yourself, and there’s no threat of shortage (at the moment) and so we really don’t appreciate food; on the contrary, we eat it like it’s worthless, for pleasure alone, as opposed to pleasure as a side-effect of being nourished. How much joy is lost in between the two. Same thing with my masturbation. It’s easy and it’s only for my pleasure, and I get a feeling of happiness for about 10 seconds…usually 3 lately. If I were to wait for a relationship to blossom and have sex with my wife, how much more fulfilling would ejaculating be? It was meant to please two people. That’s kind of beautiful.

In this culture which has no patience, we are all too lazy to do anything that will be unimagineably rewarding in the end, but might suck for right now. I’m am guilty of this. Why do I masturbate when I know it’s just a bad relationship I keep coming back to? One that satisfies my physical needs, but not my spiritual?

Because it’s easy to touch myself when nobody’s looking.

I’m trying to be more positive about myself lately, since I found most of my conversation with people will inevitably lead to the bad I’ve done and how it’s okay because it’s in the past, and I’m actively trying to change… How dumb. So, the good: I’m really trying to be more positive. I’m listening to the Jackson 5’s “ABC”. I’m trusting more in God’s plan for me in regards to a relationship with a woman (although it’s gotten a bit clouded at the moment, probably because of my impatience sexually).

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to find good stuff to talk about, and it kind of upsets me.