It’s vomit, so I’m privating it.

I’m horrible at quoting people. It makes me less likely to quote SNL, or my friend’s funny joke, or a very deep philosophical thought that someone’s had that I’ve read or heard and dearly want to repeat.

I’m gonna quote someone right now. Last night I went to my small group meeting, really the first one where we’re actually talking, as opposed to meeting each other. I have an inferiority complex that has been in a state of remission over the past two years, mostly last year though, when I moved in with my friend’s, and it’s also why I avoided going to church for such a long time after I became a real christian, because I didn’t like to be around other christians; I felt lower than a lot of them, something that I didn’t really feel with non-christians.

To talk to people who aren’t christians about God is very easy for me, I think because I don’t know, I really don’t know, I’ll probably figure it out by the end of this, but to talk about God with christians for me is nerve racking, because…it’s like, as a christian I don’t know…forgive my pauses. I’m still working through this. I feel like, personally, and it’s wrong, that I don’t know, I can’t even say it. This is dumb.

I feel like other christians are better than I am. And whenever I’m proven wrong in a discussion, or I think I’m proven when even I know in the back of my head that it’s more people trying to help, I don’t like being wrong.

Last night at the small group I felt immature in my faith, in my understanding, in everything, I felt like pulp, like raw meat, I’m sorry I’m going on. I know this is very healthy that I’m having to deal with this, it just sucks that I have to do it so openly in front of them, even if they don’t know I’m going through it.

I wasn’t a good role model, I wasn’t a good leader, and that’s why I got so upset, because I wasn’t a christian to look up too, isn’t that dumb? That’s some pride issue right there, that I never knew I had. I’ve been so used to setting an example or something for my non-christian friends, however flawed I am which they know about, I love shining the light of God on them.

This is very interesting.

In the small group, I am weak. Why aren’t I okay with this? This is good.

Anyway, the quote is from one of the guys there, and he said, “The times when I care the least about myself, they seem to the times I’m the most happy.”

Yes. Yes. Me too!

I left last night angry and lonely, and I came home and I looked at pornography and I’ve spent most of today dealing with feeling melancholy, with not feeling the anger of God on me, with being okay with not being punished. I read some old entries of mine, and when I would do something wrong I would make sure to punish myself with words, and then I’d feel like justice had taken it’s course I guess? This is such a convoluted mess, this entry, but you’re kind of seeing the state of mind I’m in right now.

It was a beautiful outside today. On the way home I was thinking about how my past addictions to pornography can be easily compared to alcoholism in the sense that for the next day afterward, I am stuck dealing with a hangover that won’t go away, and good I say! Because I feel like I deserve it anyway, and I know I shouldn’t, I know we make mistakes, but I want justice, against myself!

This is me vomitting, by the way. This is me dry heaving at the end of a bender? Is that what they call it?