Woman.
I’m having some major problems right now not hating myself whenever I make a mistake. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like I have to be perfect, like I’m hiding something when I’m talking to someone, which I am, which is my anger toward myself. Why do I have such anger? Yesterday I was writing in my journal that I hate myself because it’s easier than loving. I’m just stuck here at the moment, and it makes me sad.
I’m lonely. When I get lonely I have a few stages that I go through before acceptance, denial and anger and sadness, and then when I finally accept it it becomes easier to not have it affect me. I’m in the sadness part now. If I accept that though, that that’s where I am, maybe that’ll help.
I should be honest. But you’re not supposed to be honest with girls you like, you’re supposed to come off as confident and clean and perfect. Maybe that’s wrong. I just want to be liked. I don’t want to vomit this up on people. I want to have a life outside of school – work – home. I cussed a lot yesterday when I was driving after I saw her, fuck fuck ass dumb fuckstupid ass fuck fuck, and I hated myself because I didn’t feel I came off as cool and composed, I felt like sin. Unlovable.
This has been hounding me most of my teenage and adult life, and probably elementary school too. How do you cure something when you don’t know the cause of it? I know God knows, and I know He is the cure, but this is deep — I just know it hasn’t been cured yet. Why? (I suffer from short-sightedness, and so I question God.)
God is big, man. Please draw me closer to you so I can understand, Lord. Help me to draw closer to You and not push You away because of my heartache. Heal me God, because frankly it’s hard to live like this.
As opposed to the “I have no wounds” approach, maybe I should try the “despite my wounds”, or maybe “because of my wounds”, but maybe I’ll wait on the latter one.
Or you could always try “due to my wounds I am stronger”
Warning Comment
It’s a chemical imbalance, my friend. Use whatever tool to (try and) get rid of it, be it medication or religion (they both have side-effects). Also remember that the concept of God is universal, and if he/she/it exists, he/she/it is the same god that *every* other religion is worshipping right now. I think god is an external manifestation of inner hope and virtue, too often used for profiteering.
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That first paragraph describes what I feel. I wish I knew what to do about it so I could tell you. All I can say is, keep praying for understanding and healing, and listen closely, because the answers may only come a little at a time. *hugs*
Warning Comment
don’t beat yourself up because you didn’t come across the way you wanted to. Whats the point in making her fall in love with a guy that isn’t really you? you shouldn’t feel like you have to sneak up on her with the real you, or spring it on her months into your relationship. the real you is good enough! If you believe that, you wont have to fake the confidence girls find so attractive
Warning Comment
With respect, I notice you talk of God a lot, but don’t mention Jesus, who is our way to God. I’m saying that based on this one post I’ve read. Before ascension, Jesus promised to send the Holy Spirit as your Comforter and guide, but that will only happen when you put your trust and faith in Jesus. “For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus.” 1 Timothy 2:5.
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