Oh, Sunday.

I went to my new small group tonight. I’m excited about it, it’s an all male group so it might be a little better in the sense of getting close to one another, more to relate to. I started this diary as a place to get to know other people at my high school (who were all addicted to Open Diary back in 2000) and I got to be very open about everything and most people knew my diary if they knew me at school and I even used it to get girls to like me (because I was so deep and such a good writer) (…and damaged emotionally. I’m not sure why I thought that would make for any good relationship) and now it’s not. Now hardly anybody I know know’s this diary.

I’m doing well today. I like being broken and showing my fractures, because it’s then that I really get what he died for.

Things are going well with the girl, I deleted her from my buddy list because it was getting to be unhealthy that any time I would look at my buddy list I would subconciously be looking for her. I saw her at church today and she burned me a CD (that you can’t even find on BitTorrent it’s so unreleased) and then I said something dumb: the subject of a guy she once dated came up, and how he’s engaged after only 3 months and out of uncomfortableness I said

“does it hurt?”

Her eyes welled up and she nodded and then realized she was about to cry and said she’d be right back, and didn’t come back. I felt horrible. After the service was over I saw her and apologized and she said it was fine, that I didn’t know, and I told her how inconsiderate of a comment it was, and I do that sometimes when I get uncomfortable.

We’re going to hang out this week, and I really like her just as a person. She’s very beautiful too.

I added her back to my buddy list, and it hasn’t bothered me yet, seeing her name there, away.

Life is strange. That’s what I’ve been feeling lately. I have a deeply-rooted faith in Jesus Christ, but more and more it makes no sense; it’s not even that Jesus makes no sense, to me it makes perfect sense for the way that we brought death to this world and he ended it with a clean sacrifice. What makes less sense to me, sometimes, is that there is God at all. It makes no sense that there’s a world at all. It makes no sense that there’s love and music and, me. But I’m here. And the world is here. And there is music and love and God is here.