Me beating myself up.

Talked to her on the phone tonight, horribly uncomfortable for me, shouldn’t have let it go on so long, need to stop being angry at myself, need to hope that a phone call is just a phone call, and that I suck on the phone, and that we’re still very good in person, and she is flirty with me, she’s nice to me in person, and she’s more confident than I am, and I’m alone a lot, and I have this video I’m making that takes up all my time and I don’t feel happy when I’m not at school or work or church (and school and work is only because there’s life around me), wish I wasn’t so cut off from everything, wish I could get a job at my church, wish I could be happy where I am, wish she would pursue me so I wouldn’t have to pursue her, am weak, give up easily, get disconcerted at every turn,

are phone calls supposed to mean something? awkward silences as she had her friend there. why didn’t she ask to go? i hate the phone, i hate online, i like in person but even then I suck. inside, i mean. i hate this entry.