A Temporary Manifesto.

I feel somewhat like I’m learning how to drive a car right now, in regards to how I’m interacting with people.

I’ve never been very good with other people’s boundaries, and my humor has always been sort of perverted in a way; I tend to make people uncomfortable sometimes with that sort of humor. I have one “friend” who I make fun of almost incessantly, just because it’s funny. But I hurt him a lot, too, which is why we’re just “friends”. Because I’m not very good to him. (To be fair, he is a little sensitive… That’s not an excuse. If anything, I realize, that’s the reason I should specifically not do it to him.)

I’m also trying to figure out how to interact with people when I’m uncomfortable around them. I have a problem with pushing my awkwardness onto others, and therefore feeling comfortable myself. This is wrong. So I’m getting a sense of people around me and how they are reacting, and when my feelings of self-hate are incorrect – which is usually – and when I’ve gone too far, and to stop myself from going further or just stopping myself altogether.

I’ve also been keeping quiet a lot more during silences around people I hardly know. I used to bring up just any random story I could think of. Now I only bring them up when they pertain to at least 40% of what is going on right then and there. This is a huge step forward.

Now: my perverseness must go. Whenever I do it lately I just feel sick. I only do it for other people’s laughter anyway, and it’s so dirty and not at all related to what I’m here for. In regards to my sarcasm, I think I’m treating this the most like a car…and it feels good. (It handles great around curves.) Having control over oneself is liberating.

Discipline. I never understood it until now.

I’m still failing pretty badly with the “friend” I mentioned. That’s a tough habit to kick. I don’t think he likes me anymore, and I don’t blame him.