My Lady And My Lord.

I’m going to have a shower and pray and then write to whoever reads this.

What I have ended up coming up with is that I don’t know how to love her. I am me, and I was wondering if I could be perfect, if I could just on a dime stop lusting and giving in, if I was thinner, and then I realized that I’m asking for different situations for her to love me.

My praying, when in the shower at least, consists of yelling inside my foamy hands, jumping around asking questions, sitting down in the tub, laying down in the tub — and that’s just me breaking down my own walls.

She is the most beautfiul creature I know, am I exageratting and being melodramatic?, and she’s not perfect, and I wanted to say I love you when we said bye, and it’s only around her that my soul literally jumps to say it.

And I’m out of shape and overweight, and…I’ve grown a small beard and my hair long. (Did I grow the beard to hide my fat? Maybe I should cut it. I’m tired right now. I have this look of sadness, from being tired mostly.)

I shouldn’t focus so much on my looks anyway. Theoretically a beard is natural…but so is an afro. Oh well.

I know tomorrow I’m going to have to look in her eyes. I don’t want to be weird, and I feel like crying. If I focus on loving her it might be easier, but then I just end up seperating myself I think…being objective or something. ARE MY FEELINGS SELFISH I guess is where it all ends up. A lot of the time I smile and am loving to people, and this happens a lot at my job, and I do it because I like being loving, and people like to be loved and cared for, and I do it with a smile.

Sometimes I just wish I didn’t have to smile. I want to be happy, I don’t wanna have to fake love her tomorrow. I want my soul to smile, I want to be able to love her without using said love as some sort of defense mechanism to keep away…I don’t know man. Maybe I’m just blowing this up.

Actually, my beard looks pretty good if I am wearing my glasses.