This entry is pretty much my state of mind.

I’m getting a little better. Sarah’s new boyfriend told me the way to get out of this is to eat right, work out, and thank him. Something along those lines.

I’m supposed to love everyone.

I feel like the wall that I’ve felt spiritually is not so there anymore. I had a shower yesterday, I don’t think I’d had one since the crash. I don’t think I really did anything for 4 days. But I had a shower, and I got on the bike again, and I drove to Sarah’s. I saw Tess, and of course she looked beautiful.

I don’t call people when I’m lonely, especially girls. I find myself disgusting, at those points. I went to Walmart last night and I saw a random good looking girl walking around, and I started hating myself because of it. I looked in a mirror and I’m not that bad, maybe a little chubby. I hate loneliness.

I like Sarah’s mom, I like most of my friend’s parents.

I stayed up till 6 am watching “Batman & Robin” with Bo, which was a lot of fun. I love movies where the main character of the franchise is not really the main character of the movie.

So I feel a little better. Called Tess when I woke up at 3 (pm) and although our ages are a lot different, even over the phone I just feel empathized with, I guess. I really like her. She’s beautiful, but man, I purely like her as a friend.

One week till I move out.

Dude, i don’t think that you have to love everyone. And don’t be hard on yourself when you see a betuiful girl. Sedn me an e-mail at Hottie06@opendiary.com and tell me exactly whats going on in your life and i’l;l try to help you through this. You can make it man! Later Amanda

whyktdaggerktwhy

June 4, 2005

Is that what you’re up to? I didn’t shower today until about an hour ago. I feel better too.

sarah’s new boyfriend doesn’t understand depression because he himself is so happy. that’s all. you make him sound kind of like a dick. but, god, he’s beautiful, no?

and nobody, not even me, said you have to love him or anyone. you just decided that, and then you decided that “they”‘re making you. don’t martyr yourself. tess must be amazing. two-fifths of the important men in my life think she’s the most beautiful wonderful thing ever. sigh. i’m being way too hard on you. sorry. i just really, really, really like him. and i miss you.