Relax.

I’m trying to figure things out, and I’ve been kind of just walking around my house for the past 20 minutes. I envy good movies, being famous, being able to call something your own.

In The Life Aquatic, Steve Zissou sees this shark that ate his best friend and says, “I wonder if he remembers me.” Everyone all around puts their hands on his shoulders. I do want to be remembered, and then I looked outside 3 minutes ago and I saw some clouds, and life is a lot bigger than a movie, or claiming something as your own.

I really don’t have any idea what I’m going to do. I like movies a lot, but I hate film students. I hate how pretentious most of they seem to be. (I’m too scared to get up close enough to talk to them, so I just assume.) I hate how they all think that they’re amazing. That they’re special.

I have something to say too, I just don’t think well of myself.

And then this Christian thing. I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t like feeling like a preacher a lot the time, I don’t like feeling so close-minded. What I mean is, I don’t have any idea what I’m meant for. I do, I do have a love for God that somehow showed up. And it’s not me making myself feel this way or that, but…it’s so annoying. I don’t want to feel better than anyone, and so I think I must hate myself even more to make sure I don’t, I don’t know.

I had a dream the other night about Jenn. Whenever I’ve dreamt about her in the past, she’s been this skinnier version of herself, maybe how I felt she looked or something, you know, model-ish or something, or, maybe how attracted I was subconsciously. But for the first time it looked like her, and I felt like it was reality. And we were just talking, and it wasn’t uncomfortable, I think I must have brought up that I don’t really like her, or don’t want to be her friend really in anyway, and I asked her why she was Wicken now (I might have spelled that wrong) and she whispered to me that it was to please her Wicken (am I wrong?) boyfriend. I told her that was bullshit, maybe not in those words, and I could see how she was trying to read me, trying to figure out how to control me, how to play me.

Near the end of the dream, I think she tried to do some power thing or something, she tried to hurt me, and I calmly clasped my hands and closed my eyes and prayed.

She tried to hurt me again, but it hurt her. She told me “stop burning!” and she ran away.

I don’t know. It was just a dream. I need to stop acting like I have to be perfect, like I have to be a priest or something, like, I don’t know, what is cussing? It’s words, it’s language, and I feel honestly stifled by not being able to use it sometimes. Other times, it’s a very bad thing. And I’m glad that I’ve stopped using it like it’s common, like it’s an adjective or something.

Yeah so the world seems bigger than movies, but it’s a part of it. I’m so flawed, I don’t think I could be a priest if I wanted to, I have so many emotional mess-ups, so many. But I can do what I can with what I have, and pray that good ole’ God’ll help me with my rage.

I can only be me, can’t I. And it’s okay, isn’t it. I’m not so bad, am I.

I’m gonna go walk around the house again, think about the universe. How do you spend your free time?